Warning: Teenager Ahead

Posted on April 14th, 2010

Excuse me, but I have a problem. I was not warned that my adorable son would become a teenager. Seriously. Why wasn’t I told that at some point my kid would become a teen and suddenly nothing in my world would make sense? I mean, when you’re doing the whole “start a family” thing, you’d think someone would mention that cute little babies grow into teenagers.

I have major issues with this. First of all, there’s the whole growing taller overnight deal. I don’t like that. It’s costing me a fortune. One morning a teen’s pants are the perfect length. He puts them on the next day and boom! He looks like he’s waiting for the next Great Flood. Now my teen wears shorts—which you would think helps a bit in the growing taller overnight thing. Yeah, no. It doesn’t. Apparently if a teen’s knees are visible, his shorts are too short and the world will come to an end.

Speaking of clothes, I would like to know what teenagers do with socks. When Junior was a kid, he put his socks in the hamper, I washed them and then he wore them again. It was the sock’s cycle of life. Now that he’s a teen, I never know where his socks are. They aren’t in the hamper—and by hamper, I mean the floor of his bedroom.

So what do I do when I can’t find his socks? I go out and buy more, of course. Two weeks ago, I bought him 24 pairs of socks. 24 pairs. That’s 48 socks. Do you know how many I can find? Three. Not three pairs. Three socks. What the heck is he doing with them? And even worse, what the heck is he wearing with his shoes? Because if those are unwashed socks, I can tell you that is not good. He’s a teenager. His feet must reek.

But I don’t know that because on any given day he is wearing 50 different kinds of cologne, which has caused my sense of smell to pack up and leave town. Seriously. He has shower gel that smells. He has shampoo that has a different smell. And then there’s deodorant and body spray and the sample packs of men’s cologne I get with my Sephora orders. That’s a lot of different smells and way too many for my nose to process at once.

But I do value one thing. Junior showers regularly. According to some of my friends, that is not something many teen boys do on a regular basis. And the thought of that is infinitely more disgusting than the various aromas wafting after Junior every day.

Speaking of days, hello? Are teens ever awake? Well, okay, yes they are. They are awake when the rest of the house is asleep. It’s like they’re vampires, only without the sharp teeth and broody angst of the Twilight gang. Oh, wait. Yes, there is some broody angst. Not much from Junior though. Thank goodness.

And let’s talk about eating. Food is everything to them, which is weird since they are pickier than your average toddler. Look, when he was little Junior ate everything. Now? He eats cottage cheese, pizza, and sushi, with an occasional orange thrown into the mix for variety. Sadly for Junior, the rule in our house is you eat what I burn for dinner, which usually isn’t cottage cheese, pizza or sushi.

Naturally, because he only eats three things, there is never anything to eat in our house. Junior can stare forlornly into the fridge for hours in the vain hope that the icky fruits and veggies will magically transform into leftover pizza. They never do.

Of course, no teen would be complete without the whole opposite sex thing. Except I am not supposed to talk about it. Not with you. Not with my husband. Not even with Junior. In fact, now that we’re discussing talking, I’m not supposed to talk to Junior at all. Ever. Not in public. Not in private. Not when there is the slightest chance that someone might hear me speak to him. Heaven forbid that somebody actually discover that we are (gasp) related.

Shockingly, he enjoys it when I write about him in this column. And I still get hugs and “I love you’s,” albeit when nobody is looking. I cherish them. And I have no idea what that says about my son, but I will tell you this: teenagers are weird. Consider yourself warned.

Add me to your rss reader | Become a Fan on Facebook!

You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

22 Responses to “Warning: Teenager Ahead”

  1. Gadgerson Says:

    I feel you on the becoming a teenager thing. I have a 8 year old going on 17, and I want to scream. Good luck with that ;) By the way I have given you an award, so come by my blog to claim it. :) Have a good weekend!

  2. Laurie Says:

    Hey cool! I’ve never gotted an award before. Now I’m off to think of my fave 12!

  3. pixielation Says:

    From memory of my own brother’s teenaged years – and aversion to showering – I suspect that the socks become animated in some kind of mutant life cycle and just walk themselves out of the house. One day a huge ecosystem of teenaged socked living somewhere underground will be discovered.

  4. Lizanne Says:

    This is so funny, and yet it frightens me… my son is 2. Someday he will be 14. Maybe I better start buying socks now…
    (Omg omg omg…)

  5. Laurie Says:

    But if you do stock up now, then those socks might just contribute to Pixielation (Alison)’s theory of a mutant sock underground. And by mutant, I mean teenage.

    And cherish 2. Pretty soon he will be 14 and bigger than you!

  6. Ovel Inad Says:

    I really enjoyed this post, especially the “examples in this post” portion which made it really easy for me to SEE what you were talking about without even having to leave the article. Thanks

  7. Jenny Shields Says:

    great blog, bookmarked it to show my friend :) !

  8. summer study abroad Says:

    Would you mind if I use some of the info here, and I’ll leave a link back to you?

  9. Cora barron Says:

    I can relate i have a teenage son and everything you said is so true. My belive is that when boys hit teenage years the go stupid and forget everything you taught them through the years..

  10. Tricia Says:

    OMG…I feel as if you are living in my house! I have (gasp…breathe….) TWO teenagers….one boy and one girl…talk about feeling as if I’m living in an alien world! One minute the hate me…the next the love me. WTH….I feel as if I’m on a never ending roller coaster ride with no seat belt! I LOVE you posts…just discovered them and can’t get enough! Keep them up…at least I know I’m not the only one dealing with the craziness that raising teens brings! Thanks so much!

  11. Ana Says:

    Why is he so darn mood? He’s like a light switch. One minute he is so loving and next he wants nothing to do with me. He completely shuts me out!!! Very depressing!

  12. Debra Kendrick Says:

    I am soooo…. thankful this came up on yahoo because I was feeling like a complete failure and in utter shock that my son that I have every summer has become an alien that I could not relate to, Now I get it he is teen phasing and this too shall pass. I hope :)

  13. Diane Says:

    I loved your blogs. As the mother of a 16 year old girl and 18 and 20 year old boys, I could relate all too well to each topic. How to wake up a teenager is a howl (and so very true — each and every point) to the milk vanishing (I buy 3 to 4 gallons at a time and my boys are at college but one comes home on the weekends). I, too, don’t look at expiration dates because it is pointless. When watermelons are in season I buy three large ones at a time. Everyone in the store thinks I’m going to a large picnic but it’s just for my bunch at home. I just spent 1-1/5 hours yesterday picking the clothes up in my daughter’s room so that I could get the sheets off of her bed so that I could have the privilege of washing them. I was exhausted before I got to the washer! I told my 20 year old yesterday to never again put his shoes on the kitchen table and I find socks everywhere — in the garage, the driveway, the front porch and every room in the house. I don’t find them in the hamper — ever! I’m told I’ll miss these days; right now I’m having trouble imagining that! Thanks for the laughs. Good luck; we’ll all need it! Actually I need much more than luck. To top it all off, after they totally trash the house you have to hand over every dollar you make to pay for college. I’m sure their own house someday will be spotless. I can’t wait — revenge will be sweet!

  14. Deb Says:

    Just try washing the linens of a teen age girl ! By the time you make your way from the door to the bed, you have found the hamster that got out of its cage 3 years ago, a litter of kittens (who is the momma because your 5 cats have all been spayed and neutered !), her chemistry book that she lost and we replaced, and 27 leg warmers and not one is a pair ! Then you finally hit the bed ! Finally ! You remove the sheets , shake out the cell phone, I-touch and water bottles. As you are cramming everything into the washer, you charming daughter screams that her homework is somewhere in that pile of sheets along with her math workbook ! Ten minutes later, I am looking through the cabinets for chocolate, anything chocolate ! She tells me she can’t wait until she is old enough to move out, I tell her that I can’t wait until she does her own laundry ! Check mate !

  15. Rose Webber Hawke Says:

    Just discovered your blog, you are so funny. But really, as parent of 3 teen daughters, I’ve gone through the mill so to speak. Your wit and humor are so refreshing! Loved the recent waking up teens story, been there, done that!
    OMG-Laughter is the best medicine!
    Keep bogging, you are terrific!

  16. Dad Says:

    Dear teenage mom.

    You REALLY don’t want to find those socks.
    Plaster a smile on your face and start buying the really cheap ones by the carton.
    Be glad he throws them away and keep on buying new ones.

    Just don’t give him the carton. I did and soon thereafter found that they were put back into the handy carton after use. Along with a economy-sized vat of moisturizer.
    Several seconds later my cheerful whistle stopped as I found that “use” had nothing to do with feet and that the “boy” had indeed become a teenager.

  17. Adrian Says:

    Wow, I’m still a teen but I can see myself growing out of the phase now that I’m 18 and off to college – and mine doesn’t have dorms and is at the other side of the country. Basically I’m learning the road of an adult and although I still remember that its just a phase and that teens are awesome, teens are starting to seem a bit childish to me in some ways, like i don’t sleep late into the afternoons anymore and I don’t always go to sleep at 4 in the morning but that’s probably because I’m a singer and must always be in good health because my voice is my instrument. I also a, growing out of the shower thing – I am still a teenage boy in some ways but I can see myself maturing…i can’t believe I did half of this stuff to my own mother, but I can relate to it and sort of see why but wow, are we teenagers that crazy?!

  18. Lisa Says:

    OMG! you have no idea how glad I am to have found this site. I am a single mother of 2 teenagers. A girl and a boy. It has gotten to the point in my house where I don’t want to have to go home from work. How crazy is that?Who in their right mind would want to stay at work instead of going home. A mother of a teen would! This site has made me so happy. Now I know I’m not alone and It’s not just my teens. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. But, still I don’t want to go home :) !

  19. Joseph's Mom Says:

    I like finding the socks that are crunchy… I don’t know what comes out of his feet that after it dries it becomes crunchy but he has plenty of it!

  20. laughing Says:

    im a teen and i find this all hilaroius, cause its all true! my ma is always complaining about my room or socks. we also never have food. we go through 7 gallons of milk in a week. and only me and my ma drink it. i wiped out my friends whole gallon in a single night, they even stock up on it when they know im coming. so thats not just him. she also thinks that the wash is never ending. she had to deal with my 4 other siblings doing this at the same time. i kinda feel bad…

  21. Laurie Says:

    All the teens–don’t feel bad. I love my son more than anything on the planet–but there are days when I’d trade him in for a sports car. A nice one though. Like a Porsche. Okay, some days just a 20 year old beemer would do. But all of us moms love you teens even if you do drink all the milk and have horrible rooms. Really.

    Ooh, Joseph’s mom, i think you should check out Dad’s comment above yours. I believe he might have the answer to your crunchy sock issue.

  22. Cordia Kokaly Says:

    You’re soooo talented in writing. The almighty is actually utilizing you in tremendous ways. You are doing a great job! I thought this was a wonderful weblog

Leave a Reply