CDC and the Zombie apocalypse

Posted on June 4th, 2012

Is it just me or does it look like these zombies are dancing to "Thriller?"

Good news, everyone! The CDC has decided we are not in danger of a zombie apocalypse. Obviously, all Americans were worried and fearful that a zombie apocalypse was imminent and our government stepped in to calm us down. Aren’t they nice? I mean, we could have spent days, weeks, or even precious nanoseconds worried that a zombie was going to attack us at any moment.

Of course, the fear started with news reports of that idiot in Florida eating somebody’s face. When I read those, I just knew that this was a sign that the zombies were coming. Seriously. That’s the first thing I thought when I read about the attack.

Oh, no. Wait. My bad. The first thing I thought was, “Hm. Maybe it’s time to stop reading Radar Online. They get weirder every day.” The second thing I thought was, “That guy must have gotten a hold of some wickedly nasty drugs.” And about the 75th thing I thought was “Hmmm…could this be a zombie apocalypse?”

Yeah, not really. I must confess that zombie apocalypse never entered my mind.

But it apparently was on the minds of the Huffington Post. Because the CDC ended up sending them an email reassuring everyone on the planet that zombies don’t exist. Hmmm. Not sure I believe these people. I mean, isn’t this the same group of government letters that tried to dissect E.T.?

Oh, no. Wait. That was a movie, right? So E.T. doesn’t exist either? Gosh it’s so hard to tell these days what is real and what is so obviously fake that it warrants a warning from the CDC so we all don’t run around panicking that zombies are going to attack us.

But I digress. I mean, it’s so reassuring that the CDC takes the time out of doing stuff like discovering the origins of the Ebola virus or researching cancer clusters just so they can reassure all of us that the “CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms).” Yes, agency spokesman David Daigle actually was quoted as having written that in the email.

Wow. I will totally sleep better tonight, won’t you? Now if I could just reassure myself that E.T. was a movie and not a documentary…should I write the CDC to make sure?

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One Response to “CDC and the Zombie apocalypse”

  1. Lizzard Says:

    Don’t be so certain…meth-heads are the new zombies! EEEK!!

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