Fifty Shades of Grey: A book review

Posted on June 5th, 2012

You know, sometimes I amaze myself. And I don’t actually mean that in a good way. Look, the truth is I kind of pride myself on not following another person’s lead, on being my own woman. And that is why I amazed myself by giving in and reading Fifty Shades of Grey just because every other woman on the planet is reading it.

And after doing so, I can tell you this: I would really love a refund for this book. First, the writing was horrifyingly bad. So bad, in fact, that I found my mind wandering off while reading it – even during the sex scenes.

The first tangent I wandered into was this: what the heck was the matter with the hero (Grey)? I mean, he’s 26, a billionaire, devastatingly handsome, and flies his own helicopter. But instead of wondering why he was into bondage, I found myself wondering why the heck he named his helicopter “Charlie Tango.“ He sounded like an escapee from a bad Bruce Willis movie. I mean, if I were a 26-year-old billionaire with my own helicopter, I’d name it something cool. Like Fred. Or Mavis. Or even Whirlybird. But Charlie Tango? No.

My mind also wandered when the description of the Red Room of Pain came up. Look, maybe it was because I’ve never actually been in a bondage room or maybe it was because I was confused by the whole “nipple clamp” thing. But all I could really think of was the bed, which was described as having red leather sheets on it.

Really? Really? How the heck do you wash those? I mean, there’s got to be some serious ick on those sheets. And where do you buy leather sheets, anyway? I’ve been in Bed Bath & Beyond countless times and I’ve never, ever seen leather sheets amongst the Nicole Miller and Nautica. (And yes, I did think of inserting a cheap “Bed, Bath & Bondage joke here, but I restrained myself.)

Then there is the whole lip-biting, peeping from under her lashes, blood quickening, mind-shattering, eyes narrowing, belly clenching, carnal dancing, freaking hot looking, gasping, head cocking to one side, eye rolling group of clichés. Who does all of those movements in real life? You’d look like you were having a stroke. Although, just to test my theory, I did peep at Harry from beneath my lashes last night. Not only did he not suddenly want me more than he has ever wanted me in his life, he also asked what the heck was wrong with me and wondered aloud why I was trying to get my contact lens stuck to the top of my eyeball.

And finally, there’s the whole stalking thing. Grey tracks the heroine (Ana) via her cell phone. Um, am I wrong, but isn’t that illegal? Not to mention really freaking weird? Call me crazy, but if some guy stalks me via my phone GPS I’m pretty sure he’d be watching me walk into the police department. Oh, and to top off the stalking, when Ana goes to visit her mom in Georgia, Grey conveniently shows up. And then the mother calls the police because obviously Grey is a stalker who followed her daughter across the country for the sole purpose of harassing her.

Oh. Wait. She didn’t do that. No, she invited him for dinner. Really? Who does that?

And lets not get into the fact that Grey was apparently introduced to the world of BDSM at the age of 15 by an adult woman. Yes, we do have a name for that. It’s called pedophile. That part was disturbing, to say the least.

Of course by the very abrupt end of the book, Ana leaves Grey. Apparently the chains and whips and chips and dips aren’t her cup of tea. Or possibly she realized that, like me, she could never be with a man who called his helicopter Charlie Tango. Or maybe it suddenly occurred to her what nipple clamps are.

Nah. It was because the author wanted you to buy Book Two: Fifty Shades of I Don’t Care to Read This Ever Again.

Add me to your rss reader | Become a Fan on Facebook!

You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

11 Responses to “Fifty Shades of Grey: A book review”

  1. chasing Joy Says:

    I may read it out of curiousity. Ive not heard anything good about it yet.

  2. Gina Says:

    I haven’t read it, and now I definately not read it. Sounds like a poorly written “adult book” that never ends- in a bad way. Thanks for the heads up ( hahah no pun intended, well maybe one now since that was pretty whitty). I love to read and enjoy a wide variety of generes, so If you need a great recomendation, let me know.

  3. Laurie Says:

    @Chasing Joy, that’s why I read it, because I was so curious about what others were talking about. Now? Not so much. If someone gives it to you for free and you have nothing else to read, then maybe…

    @Gina, it was awful. Really I want the hours spent reading it back :) I’m going to download Mary Kay Andrews’ latest today. Love her. And as a bonus? No nipple clamps in her books.

  4. chasing Joy Says:

    We briefly discussed reading it for my book club. Bit we decided it would not provoke enough conversation. But if somone gives it to me for free…

  5. Laurie Says:

    @Chasing Joy, LOL, I’d give you my copy, but I already deleted it off my iPad :)

  6. Kourtney Says:

    Uh ya… Nope, not gonna read it. Up until this point I thought that maybe, at some point, in the distant future, I might… maybe. Not any more. Thanks for solidifying my decision to leave this trend with the trendy…

  7. Michelle Says:

    I just read this review and I could not agree with you more! You nailed every single criticism I also had of the book, right down to the leather sheets and pedophile-cougar-woman!! And – AND – don’t you find it more than a little gross when like every woman on the radio/t.v./facebook is talking about how much they LOOOVE it?? Ew. Waay too much information that I now wish I didn’t know about you. Love your blog! New follower!! :D

  8. Laurie Says:

    Hi Michelle,
    IKR? It’s sooooooooooo gross and frankly, I could do without knowing what other women really want :) Thanks for reading – I’m heading over to check out your blog now :)

  9. jj Says:

    am almost through reading the book and my god it is a harrowing experience. i cant believe my best girlfriend is raving about it. writing sucks, very thin plot. unrealistic inane characterization. triple x porno sex scenes on loop for 26 chapters. this is porn plain and simple. i never realized many women are just like men who love to have their penthouse fix. literature is going down the drain. Help!

  10. Kait Says:

    Charlie Tangos full name is Charlie tango golf-golf echo hotel. Christian Trevelyan-Grey, Grey Enterprises Holding.

  11. Billy Kropotkin Says:

    The reason Grey calls his helicopter “Charlie Tango” would almost certainly be that its registration number (assigned by the Federal Aviation Administration) ends with the letters “CT”. The (abbreviated) callsign used in radio communication with air traffic control would then be “Charlie Tango”.

    (Yes, it is commonly called a “registration number” even though it can include letters.)

Leave a Reply