Attack of the Killer Leftovers

Posted on August 9th, 2012

About two weeks ago, when Junior had a raging case of mono, a weird thing happened in our fridge.

Leftovers went uneaten.

I know, right? I personally have not seen a leftover in our fridge since Junior started the massive growth spurt called teenager-hood.  I mean, I’d heard rumors that other people had leftovers that lasted more than two minutes in the fridge – but I hadn’t seen any for a very long time. The truth is, I’d pack up leftovers from dinner, toss them in the fridge and before they even had a chance to get cold, Junior was inhaling them.

Every once in a while I’d find a stray leftover, but usually that was something Junior found icky – like a vegetable or toast from breakfast or something. And then he got sick and suddenly I realized that for a skinny kid, he sure ate a lot.

Things got so bad when Junior was ill that I ran out of Tupperware. Well, to be honest, it’s the faux, cheap Tupperware. But still. I ran out. That’s how many leftovers were crowding in my fridge. There was stuff stacked in there so high that once when I opened the door a jar of jelly leaped out of the fridge and attacked me. I would show you pictures of my incredibly full fridge, but honestly? Cleaning my fridge hasn’t been on my to-do list lately. And by “lately” I mean “since we bought it 4 years ago.”

Go ahead and gag. I’ll wait.

Anyway, Junior is back to normal. I know this because once again, leftovers are flying out of the fridge at steady pace.  (Again, no photos, but really I’m saving your retinas.) Anyway, I was able to watch the teen in his native habitat (the fridge) and pretty much this is his eating schedule:

1:00 PM – Wake up (please, it’s summer)

1:08  – eat small omelet in order to have strength to shower.

1:40  – Eat large sandwich, chips and water. Go hang out with friends.

3:30  – stop back by house with friends. Eat a giant Costco bag of Doritos and salsa, washed down with half case of Coke. Alternate snack: several $5.99 pizzas and breadsticks (I believe the ratio is one pizza and 3 breadsticks per teenage boy).

5:00 – pre-pre-dinner snack of small sushi plate.

6:00 – pre-dinner snack of some cheese and large glass of milk.

7:00 – First dinner. Eat only two helpings because a) it tastes icky; and/or b) he’s feeling kind of full from the pre-dinner snacks.

10:00 – Second dinner. Eat only one helping because it’s late.

1:30 AM – Eat more leftovers, and then go to bed.

I swear to you, the boy is like a very skinny Hobbit who wears shoes. If I ate 1/10 of what he ate, they’d have to lift my butt out of the house with a crane.  But Junior? Oh, Junior is so skinny he has an ass like a snake. In the two weeks he was sick and not eating, he lost ten pounds.

Do you know how long it takes me to lose ten pounds? Forever! I know this because I’ve been trying to lose the same ten pounds for exactly that long. I eat twigs. I eat berries. I don’t eat pizza and Doritos and I certainly haven’t had a full-sugar bottle of Coke since I was 10.

Thankfully, though, Junior is feeling better. We knew he had turned a corner the night he ate a second dinner. And then a third.

And now, all my faux Tupperware is where it should be. In the cabinet because the leftovers have all been eaten.

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4 Responses to “Attack of the Killer Leftovers”

  1. Gina Says:

    SO glad to have you back! And very happy JR is better! Mono is icky. Leftovers at my house stay in the fridge until I or the dog eat them. My kids are not into leftovers, my husband refuses to eat them. Unless it is left over pizza and all three jump at the chance. My dog is very fat due to the clean out leftover day ( once a week or two). He likes me to re heat it in the mircowave to knock the chill off, and he is so polite, he burps after each plate. I take the belches as compliments on my cooking skills.

  2. Laurie Says:

    Hi Gina! Yes, I was back! But then I discovered that school started a week earlier than I thought. Yeah, way to start some chaos in the house.

    I love your dog – my dog burps too but not after eating my cooking :)

  3. M.E. Bellamy Says:

    So skinny he has an ass like a snake. OMG! I died laughing! Seriously, I’m using the Wifi in my condo in hell to send this! I laughed so hard!

  4. Laurie Says:

    Hi Megan, he does have an ass like a snake. Sadly, mine is very…er…buffalo-like. :)

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