I hate my bluetooth but I love my Eminem

Posted on August 20th, 2012

My Bluetooth is out to get me.

Oh, sure, I’ve always had a problem with this technology. First with the original Bluetooth – the one where everyone wore what appeared to be ginormous, ugly earrings in one ear? I hated those things and not just because of the ugly earring aspect.

For one thing, I’d walk around the grocery store and everybody was chatting. And if you dared to answer, the chatter would look at you with disdain and mouth, “I’m on my phone.” Honestly? I learned very quickly to mouth back, “What? I’m on the phone,” then turn down another aisle as quickly as possible.

And of course, sometimes the person would actually be speaking to me, but I’d assume she was on her phone and wouldn’t answer. Then, I’d spend a week fielding phone calls like, “You didn’t talk to Teresa in the grocery store last Tuesday, are you mad at her?” Um, no, it’s just that I thought Teresa was talking to her ugly earring and not me.

In all honesty the only reason I wore my Bluetooth was so that I could wander the streets and talk to myself and nobody would realize that I am completely insane – you know unless they actually knew me. But now hardly anyone wears the ugly earring. Now many of us have Bluetooth in our cars.  This poses serious problems for me and not just because I can no longer pretend to be sane.

As it turns out, my Bluetooth is voice activated. Do you know what that means? It means my Bluetooth is listening to every word I say. Yes. It is. Every single word. I don’t like that. Sometimes when I’m just having a perfectly normal conversation in the car, the Bluetooth will interrupt and shout at me, “Hands free is now activated. Say a command.”

Hello? I’m not commanding, I’m chatting. And frankly, I believe that Bluetooth is quite rude to interrupt, not to mention the fact that it scares the bejeebers out of me to realize it’s listening to everything I say. Have I mentioned that it does that? Because that’s kind of scary. It’s like Big Brother.

And then of course there are the times when I am alone in my car, perhaps singing off key to the radio. And perhaps it’s something nobody realizes I listen to like, say Eminem (yes, Eminem; although my slim shady isn’t nearly as evil), and then suddenly my Bluetooth will say, “Okay, calling Sandra.”

What? I don’t want to call Sandra. I’m singing, not commanding. But there I am in my car, rapping with Eminem and suddenly Sandra is all, “Um, Laurie, is that you?” And there is no covering for that. I mean, everyone has caller ID now. So I can’t say, “

Sorry, wrong number.’ Or even, “Hey lady do you have Prince Albert in a can?” Instead I have to admit that Eminem and I called her accidently thanks to my demon-possessed Bluetooth.

As if all this wasn’t bad enough, whenever I do try to dial a number the stupid Bluetooth pretends it doesn’t understand me. I’ll tell it to do something like, “Call Harry mobile.” And then it very deviously says back to me, “OK, calling Grandma Honey, home.”

Seriously? Seriously? Those names aren’t even close.  So I’ll start again and tell the evil Bluetooth “Call Harry, mobile.” And it will say back, “OK, calling Chevrolet dealership.” I swear, it’s like talking to a teenager. You never know what the stupid Bluetooth is going to do or say.

I’m telling you, my Bluetooth is out to get me. And if the darn thing ever says to me, “I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dave.” I am totally throwing it out the window and then running it over. Several times. Just to make sure it’s dead. And then I’m going back to the ginormous, ugly earring. At least it listened to me.

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2 Responses to “I hate my bluetooth but I love my Eminem”

  1. Gina Says:

    I have set off my blue tooth singing in the car also. You are not alone. Here is the real problem of blue tooth (in the car). I drive- a LOT. I have 2 kids. They are in the car A LOT. I cannot have conversations on bluetooth in my car with my kids along for the ride. One, the kids are LOUD!!! Two, they are nosey. Three, sometimes my caller friend and I use grown up words, these words play over the radio speakers. That is not a good one. My kids laugh, taunt that they are gonna tell and extract blackmail. I think the mafia generations of my family have reincarnated themselves in my little angels.

  2. Laurie Says:

    Lol. I once had to tell Harry I had the tennis team in the car – and 7 teenage boys cracked up and told me they’d stay silent if I took them through a drive thru after their match:) good to know I’m not the only one with Bluetooth issues

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