Look, if you have read any of these blogs, you know I am probably a poster child for paranoia. And, um, what’s the thing when you diagnose yourself with weird diseases but you are always wrong? Oh, dang. I must have some sort of brain thing because I can’t remember what it’s called. Oh. Wait. Hypochondria. Yeah, I probably have that.
Anyway, last June I started having glowing red eyes. We’re talking bright red eyes – basically it looked like I had a devil possession going on. People would not look at me. Small children pointed at my eyeballs and screamed. And me? I was really uncomfortable.
So, I went to see my optometrist. He decided I had allergies – which I do and not just ones I’ve diagnosed on my own either. I have real ones that a real doctor has diagnosed. So, the eye doc gives me some drops, which help until the day they stop helping and I started glowing with evil once again.
So I go to the allergist in July because Harry refuses to let me diagnose myself, courtesy of the Internet. This is mainly because the only diagnoses I can come up with are the aforementioned devil possession or, courtesy of webmd.com, eyeball disease of unknown origin. The allergist concurs that I have allergies that have caused severe pink eye and gives me eye drops, allergy pills and prednisone.
Side note – Yes, I surely needed that prednisone – you know since it makes you eat like a dang pig just coming out of a famine and all. Hello ten more pounds on my ass. So nice to see you.
Anyway, in August a miracle occurs and my eyes stop glowing. For a while at least. You see, I had placed a pair of two-week contact lenses in solution and left them on the sink, because while I glowed with evil in June and July I wore daily lenses. So after I can finally see again and I’m not mistaken for the devil and nobody tosses holy water on me in the grocery store, I put in the two week pair of lenses.
You know. The ones with the contagious pink eye bacteria all over them.
Yes, I gave myself pink eye. Frankly, I should not be responsible for children or small animals because I am a danger to everyone on the planet. On the plus side, I discovered I had pink eye when my vision blurred during a showing of “Expendables 2” which turned out to be the most stupid movie ever made, so I didn’t miss much.
And then it was back to the doctor, who cured my pink eye. Until last week, when I went to lunch with a friend. And I realize I can’t read the menu. Even with my contact lenses on. Even with my new reading glasses on. In fact, I’m not certain I’m sitting at the table with my friend, I could be anywhere.
Of course, this convinces me I have some sort of rare eye cancer and I am now going blind. Sadly, that doesn’t prevent me from driving the ten miles home. Again, I should not be responsible for children, small animals, or driving automobiles. I am a danger to everyone.
At this point, my blindness comes and goes. Some days I wake up and I can read, but by afternoon I’m totally blurry. Other days I’m just blurry the whole day. Finally, when I nearly hit a BMW because I don’t see it (have I mentioned I shouldn’t be driving, because I really shouldn’t be), Harry puts his foot down and insists I visit an ophthalmologist.
And that doctor diagnoses me with DRY EYES.
Yes, I am now putting eye drops in my freaking eyes and I can see. I’m no longer possessed by the devil. I don’t have a rare or even a common eyeball cancer. No, I have dry eyes because we’ve had a dry summer.
So the moral of this story is – well, there is no moral really. But at least I can see those words when I type them. Also? I can totally see anyone and everything, so my car insurance guy is now breathing a sigh of relief.Add me to your rss reader | Become a Fan on Facebook!