The reason I haven’t been posting much lately…

Posted on August 29th, 2012

What you are reading is the absolutely, positively, true story of how I convinced myself I was going blind.

Look, if you have read any of these blogs, you know I am probably a poster child for paranoia. And, um, what’s the thing when you diagnose yourself with weird diseases but you are always wrong? Oh, dang. I must have some sort of brain thing because I can’t remember what it’s called. Oh. Wait. Hypochondria. Yeah, I probably have that.

Anyway, last June I started having glowing red eyes. We’re talking bright red eyes – basically it looked like I had a devil possession going on. People would not look at me. Small children pointed at my eyeballs and screamed. And me? I was really uncomfortable.

So, I went to see my optometrist. He decided I had allergies – which I do and not just ones I’ve diagnosed on my own either. I have real ones that a real doctor has diagnosed. So, the eye doc gives me some drops, which help until the day they stop helping and I started glowing with evil once again.

So I go to the allergist in July because Harry refuses to let me diagnose myself, courtesy of the Internet. This is mainly because the only diagnoses I can come up with are the aforementioned devil possession or, courtesy of webmd.com, eyeball disease of unknown origin. The allergist concurs that I have allergies that have caused severe pink eye and gives me eye drops, allergy pills and prednisone.

Side note – Yes, I surely needed that prednisone – you know since it makes you eat like a dang pig just coming out of a famine and all. Hello ten more pounds on my ass. So nice to see you.

Anyway, in August a miracle occurs and my eyes stop glowing. For a while at least. You see, I had placed a pair of two-week contact lenses in solution and left them on the sink, because while I glowed with evil in June and July I wore daily lenses. So after I can finally see again and I’m not mistaken for the devil and nobody tosses holy water on me in the grocery store, I put in the two week pair of lenses.

You know. The ones with the contagious pink eye bacteria all over them.

Yes, I gave myself pink eye. Frankly, I should not be responsible for children or small animals because I am a danger to everyone on the planet.  On the plus side, I discovered I had pink eye when my vision blurred during a showing of “Expendables 2” which turned out to be the most stupid movie ever made, so I didn’t miss much.

And then it was back to the doctor, who cured my pink eye. Until last week, when I went to lunch with a friend. And I realize I can’t read the menu. Even with my contact lenses on. Even with my new reading glasses on. In fact, I’m not certain I’m sitting at the table with my friend, I could be anywhere.

Of course, this convinces me I have some sort of rare eye cancer and I am now going blind. Sadly, that doesn’t prevent me from driving the ten miles home. Again, I should not be responsible for children, small animals, or driving automobiles. I am a danger to everyone.

At this point, my blindness comes and goes. Some days I wake up and I can read, but by afternoon I’m totally blurry. Other days I’m just blurry the whole day. Finally, when I nearly hit a BMW because I don’t see it (have I mentioned I shouldn’t be driving, because I really shouldn’t be), Harry puts his foot down and insists I visit an ophthalmologist.

And that doctor diagnoses me with DRY EYES.

Yes, I am now putting eye drops in my freaking eyes and I can see. I’m no longer possessed by the devil. I don’t have a rare or even a common eyeball cancer. No, I have dry eyes because we’ve had a dry summer.

So the moral of this story is – well, there is no moral really. But at least I can see those words when I type them. Also? I can totally see anyone and everything, so my car insurance guy is now breathing a sigh of relief.

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3 Responses to “The reason I haven’t been posting much lately…”

  1. Gina Says:

    Oh my Lord!!! Manic- too funny!! As you know I have nursing degree and have two kids, and am well versed in Pink eye. Heck, even my soldiers came running to me when it was just begining to be pink eye, and I diagnosed them. Well, the ONE time I ever contracted pink eye- it was server, quick onset (i.e. no itchy dryness until I woke the next day). I swore I was going blind or having bleeding from the headaches, head tramas, hemerraging or what have you.. My doctor laughed so hard! Nope, just pink eye.

  2. Laurie Says:

    Well that makes me feel better! You are genuine nurse and I only play one on the Internet :) I never had pink eye before – its nasty and I don’t want it again!

  3. Laurie Says:

    Yeah, probably shouldn’t use my iPad…*you are a genuine* sigh…

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