There’s an Alien in my Fridge!

Posted on August 5th, 2010

There’s an alien living in my refrigerator. I saw it when I moved aside the ketchup so I could find a pudding cup–which no, is not on my diet. Anyway, underneath the bag of leftover sliced pineapple which was being held down by the ketchup was a small, black, furry thing.

And I swear to you, it winked at me.

I never used to have this problem. In the days before Junior, nothing grew in my refrigerator. I never found any previously undiscovered life forms lurking behind the ketchup, because frankly, I didn’t have ketchup in the refrigerator. In the days before Junior, I had a small fridge. It held martini olives, beer and the occasional box of leftover sushi.

Unfortunately, children do not survive on martini olives, beer or leftover sushi. They eat weird stuff like vegetables, yoghurt and huge containers of milk. And to store all those things, you need a really large fridge. So when Junior came along, we bought a refrigerator the size of the Titanic.

And that’s when I started finding aliens.

Now, I’m pretty sure this is a bad thing. And I’m pretty sure there are super moms out there who clean their refrigerators daily. Nothing grows in super mom’s fridge. The shelves sparkle. The vegetable bins don’t have liquefied lettuce floating in them. And super moms can see into plastic containers without peering through a layer of tomato sauce stain.

I’m not one of those moms. I’m what you might call “domestically challenged.” And a large fridge doesn’t help. There’s too much space in which leftovers can hide. And truthfully, I’ve been known to ignore the mess in the fridge until it’s so full, the door won’t shut.

At that point, the fridge is usually pretty gross. To clean it requires a gargantuan effort on my part. I wear rubber gloves and carry tongs. I use the tongs to remove anything so disgusting even I wouldn’t touch it. They also come in handy when I have to beat new life forms into submission before making the garbage disposal eat them. I did try wearing a gas mask once—but it obscured my view into the cracks and crevices of the lunchmeat bin, so I stopped.

Once I’m dressed for the attack, I start at the top. I move aside the various soda bottles that are half full; thanks to Junior. He’s only allowed one soda per day, so he likes to make them last. And last. And last. But once they’re gone, I can move onto the really icky part.

Mystery foil.

These are the misshapen lumps of aluminum foil that live in my fridge. You never know what you will find in mystery foil. It could be leftover pizza. It could be mealworms for the lizard. It could be a turkey leg from last Thanksgiving. It could be anything—that’s what makes mystery foil so frightening. You never know if what’s inside is going to ooze out and attack you.

Of course, if I were super mom this would never happen. The mystery rolls would be neatly labeled with the contents and dated. The plastic containers would not have a trace of tomato sauce stain on them. And I wouldn’t have any new life forms living in my fridge.

On the other hand, I’m pretty sure that my fridge will come in handy this school year. Surely Junior will get extra credit in natural science class when he brings one of my mystery foil wrapped aliens to school.

See? There’s always a bright side.

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7 Responses to “There’s an Alien in my Fridge!”

  1. barbara Says:

    I’m obviously not a super mom either. But now that my kids have moved out, the strange growths in the fridge seem to have moved on as well. On to a more lively fridge in the neighborhood, no doubt. One used for growing Penicillin on cheese and flu shots in eggs.

  2. Amanda Says:

    Awesome post!!!!!!
    Super Moms are over-rated! It was worse for me when I was working full time with 2 toddlers and a 10yr old who stuck everything in the fridge if she just took a bit out of it. Now that i am home i thought it would be better, I could stay on top of it… domesticly challenged as well.
    Non Super Moms unite!!

  3. Laurie Says:

    Hey Amanda, thanks for reading! We non Super moms must stick together!

  4. Laurie Says:

    Barbara, so that’s where penicillin comes from…my fridge :)

  5. Steve Says:

    This post oddly reminds me of the kooky things I have to do just to feed my kids their breakfast when they were very young. (Open up for the airplane!)

  6. Bea Riha Says:

    A round of applause for your blog.Really thank you! Great.

  7. Arianna Lehmberg Says:

    I wanted to thank you for this great read!! I definitely enjoying every little bit of it.I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you post.

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