Somehow I have ended up being the official hostess for Thanksgiving dinner for a dozen or so people. I have no idea why. I can only assume it’s a cruel joke. Anyway, to prepare I consulted the Great Internet Advisors and found a handy little checklist that will ensure my turkey day goes off without a hitch.
6 Weeks Ahead:
Start planning your menu.
Seriously? We’re having turkey. Doesn’t every one have turkey? How much planning and forethought does that take?
Based on your menu, decide what is doable.
Nothing is “doable” unless it involves someone other than me cooking. And let me ask this: is “doable” a real word?
If I am cooking, we might as well invite the fire department, because I guarantee you they will arrive at dinnertime anyway to put the turkey out.
5 Weeks Ahead:
Seriously? I have better things to do. Skipping all these steps. Five weeks. Sheesh. That’s still October, people.
4 Weeks Ahead:
Do you people not have anything better to do? It’s Thanksgiving dinner, not the Battle of the Bulge. Oh, wait. Maybe it is the Battle of the Bulge, depending on your intake of pumpkin pie. Whatever. Not planning 4 weeks ahead.
3 Weeks Ahead:
Now we’re talking. Let’s see what I have to plan.
First Shopping Trip
Wait. What? Crud. Maybe I should have paid attention in weeks 5 and 4. I don’t know what I’m buying. Food? Tablecloth? Fire extinguishers?
Clean the Pantry
Omigod. This is the most dangerous job in the house. But I will tackle it. Hey, look. I found last year’s box of stuffing. I wonder if it is still usable?
1 Week Ahead
Clean the house
Oh, you kill me, Great Internet Advisors. Do you honestly believe that if I clean the house a week ahead of time that the people and dogs that live here will keep it spotless? Please.
3 Days Before
Clean the fridge
Is there no end to the torture? Really? Some of that stuff in the back is alive. I’m not touching it.
What food? I skipped weeks 5 and 6. We don’t have any food.
1 day before
Set table including candles
Okay, I put plates on there. However, we still don’t have any food. Also? The limits of my insurance company prevent me from having lit candles in my home.
Enjoy your day
Oh, I plan to. The one thing I have is lot of wine and I’m telling you, that makes everything better. Plus? I think the neighbors are barbecuing their turkey, so I’m sending Junior next door to steal it. Once it’s cooked, of course.