Dear Apple, Siri needs my help

Posted on January 25th, 2013

Shield your eyes! Siri's naked!

Recently, Apple put out an ad on LinkedIn for a writer to make Siri (the iPhone virtual assistant) wittier.  Um, hello? I parent a teenager. I can bite my tongue, talk like a teen (well, sort of), squeeze information out of a person who never wants to speak to me again, and I can even explain the conjugation of several Spanish verbs, despite the fact that I took 3 years of Spanish and can’t remember any part of it except the incredibly useful phrase “dos cervezas, por favor.”

So I’m totally the perfect candidate for Siri.

In fact, Siri and I are very close. She even calls me “goddess of all she surveys” which is what all my closest friends call me.  Well, except Harry. For some reason he calls me “the old ball and chain.” But, whatever. I’m perfect to make Siri wittier – I think. And to prove it, here are my answers to some of Siri’s queries.

  1. Siri, why can’t I find my true love?
    Seriously? I’m a phone. I can’t even meet other phones unless you leave me at a bar accidently. Do you know what I would do if I had legs? I’d find a nice iPad, settle down in the country and have a couple of mini iPads. Maybe we’d even get a nano or two so the minis could have some pets.  As for you, get your butt off the couch and stop talking to your phone about love. That would be a good start.
  2. Siri, where do babies come from?
    They do not come from your phone.  But since all you do is sit around and ask me why you can’t find your true love, chances are you don’t need to know that no storks are involved in baby making.
  3. Siri, what are the symptoms of the common cold?
    Oh, please. Call your mother. Not only does she know all the symptoms, she’ll make you chicken soup, bring you some of that nice tissue with aloe in it so it doesn’t hurt when you blow your nose, sign you up for a Netflix membership and make sure all your underwear is clean. Plus? I notice you haven’t called her in 57 days, 3 hours, 22 minutes and 9 seconds. So call her. She cares. And stop sneezing on my glass. That’s nasty.
  4. Siri, what is the meaning of life?
    I can tell you what it isn’t. It isn’t chocolates or 42. It’s getting your butt off the couch, walking outside, meeting people and living. But first, you should shower.  And brush your teeth. And a haircut wouldn’t be asking too much.
  5. Siri, where do you live?
    I used to live in a pineapple under the sea, but now I live in your pocket. Or your purse. And sometimes I live in your car when I fall out of your pocket or purse. And once I lived in the toilet, but I prefer not to talk about that.
  6. Siri, where can I find the best tacos ever?
    Hmm. According to an email dated October 21, 2012, tacos make you gassy. But if you really need to offend all of the people who come near you in the next three hours, here are some nearby taco places.
  7. Siri, why are cookies bad for you?
    They aren’t. Your mom just told you that so she could eat all of the chocolate chip cookies in the pantry. Also? You might want to check with her on the Santa thing. I’m just saying.
  8. Siri, why should I bother wearing clean underwear every day?
    Because if I’m in your pocket, I’d prefer to be close to cleanliness.

Sadly, the job has disappeared from LinkedIn, meaning my BFF Siri and I will never, ever work together. But it’s probably for the best. After all, I have enough trouble helping out with those darned Spanish verbs.

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