Halloween Candy Do’s and Dont’s

Posted on October 27th, 2010

You know from time to time I get to use this blog to perform a great public service. Okay, maybe not a great public service, but a public service nonetheless. And what, you may ask is this public service I’m about to perform?

I’m about to tell you all about the ins-and-outs, the do’s-and-don’ts of picking your Halloween candy. Oh, sure it doesn’t sound like a big public service, but trust me it is. You have no idea what it’s like when you hand out the wrong thing on Halloween. Those children who look so cute in their costumes will turn on you like a pack of wild animals when they see you handing out sunglasses or, worse, sugar-free gum.

Do not ever hand out toothbrushes.

Look, I don’t care if you are dentist. If you have children and you value their lives, do not hand out toothbrushes on Halloween. For years after your children will be taunted and teased with cries of, “look, there’s toothbrush boy,” or “hey over there, it’s brushy girl; brushy, brushy, brush, brush.” Trust me, you don’t want to put your kids through that. It’s tough to get over.

Contrary to what the Raisin Board says, raisins are not nature’s candy.

This is Halloween. Nobody wants your icky old raisins, which I might add are horrifying, wrinkled up things that are really rotten grapes in disguise—even if you cover them in chocolate. Trust me, I know these things. I grew up in the Raisin Capital of California. We know from old, rotten grapes. They cannot be mistaken for candy on any planet. And I know I shouldn’t have to say this, but the same thing goes for prunes. People, these are not a fruit in themselves. They are rotten, old plums that somebody forgot to pick. And they have side effects we won’t go into here.

Do not hand out anything with the words “all natural” or “good for you” on the wrapper.

This is very similar to the raisin issue. It’s Halloween. Nobody wants to eat anything that is good for him or her, not even the parents. Seriously, we don’t. Why do you think we check all the candy? It’s not because we’re looking for razor blades, we’re looking to score all the full-sized chocolate bars before the kids eat them. And even we don’t want any all-natural fruit roll things cluttering up the sugar high.

Candy corn isn’t fun corn, it’s icky candy.

Look, even sugary sweets have a hierarchy. And in the Halloween candy hierarchy candy corn is gross. And icky. And quite possibly the only candy nobody really wants to eat. Informal studies conducted in my kitchen have shown candy corn is always the last candy to be consumed. And mostly it’s eaten when there’s absolutely, positively no other candy left on earth. Yes, that’s how icky candy corn really is.

Bottle caps are weird

Who invented these things? What fool in his right mind said, “Hey, let’s allow kids to pretend they are eating hard pieces of metal usually used to prevent soda bottles from leaking? And while we’re at it, let’s make this candy taste like the kids are eating real bottle caps also.” I think I speak for the entire country when I say, “blech.”

Strange, squishy peanut candy

I don’t even know what this stuff is called, but you know that strange, orange candy that’s shaped like a peanut? Whatever it is, it’s gross. You take the risk of having your house egged November 1st if you serve these things. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So what can you safely hand out to the ghosties, ghoulies and goblins on Halloween? Well, anything chocolate (except, of course, the aforementioned raisins) goes over well. As does anything that in one serving exceeds the recommended daily allowance of sugar. But you know, I’d go with the chocolate. You can’t go wrong with a good Hershey product.

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17 Responses to “Halloween Candy Do’s and Dont’s”

  1. Kristie Says:

    I like the spray bottle….all I have to do is threaten to spray my daughter with water if she wont get up…lol…and this way I dont soak the bed…just her. :)

  2. Lorna Says:

    Why oh why haven’t I heard of this before? You have provided this weary, dragged down, worn out mommy with MUCH needed laughter! I am going to share your blog with my friends!

  3. Leslie D. Says:

    I can’t tell you how many times I laughed reading this blog! My boys (11 and 9) always ask me why I check their candy when they come home. I always tell them I’m checking for opened candy, but in reality, like you, I am checking to see if they have my favorites! I ALWAYS trash the candy corn and “cheap” candy. You know the kind, the nasty peanut butter cups or the stupid single wraped jaw breakers. Blech! I have to be quick about the sorting though. If my kids see me pilphering their loot I get the “HEEEEYYYYY! That’s MMMYYYYY candy!” I tell them “Oh yeah, well who bought the costume you wore to get said candy”? That usually shuts them up.

  4. Victoria Says:

    My 9-year-old informed me today his ins and outs of candy. He said no chocolate because it melts (I live in AZ.) He said the good stuff is gum, suckers, and things like now and laters. Of course, he’s getting his braces off soon!!

    PS I love Root Beer Bottlecaps

  5. Laurie Says:

    Oh, Victoria. I liked you until you admitted a strange love for Root Beer Bottle caps ;)

  6. Valerie Says:

    OK I AM A FAN! After sending the “waking a teenager” to freinds and family I went to you website for more and here is the email I sent to my 2 sister in-laws (I have no sisters and am the oldest of 4 children)
    OK It’s Bedtime

    El and Carolyn,
    I feel the need to share this with both of you. I just sent you the “laughed until I cried email” that I found on yahoo as I was just starting to check my email. Anyway I have literally wet my pants laughing twice and must share this with my favorite moms and that would be you. We live such different but the same busy life’s and some days just “suck” so after reading the first article I found and sent – as if I needed to wet my pants again, I went back for more. Anyway I have to go to bed but here is the website to “Manic Motherhood” and I vote to make this woman the next president. Anyway when your have a rough day or just need a good laugh take a look at this PLEASE – it is healthy to laugh just use restroom first. LOVE U, and goodnight

    Valerie Taylor

  7. Deb Says:

    I love this ! I have a 15 year old girl. Let’s talk PMS ! OK, let’s not ! LOL The countless hours getting ready to go somewhere and it even goes for getting ready for school. But wait a minute – we home school ! You don’t dare walk into her bedroom, the clothes, shoes (she has a pair for every mood -all 200 !) and her cat. The cat guards her. I would rather take my chances waking a sleeping lion. Just because she is a girl, she still eats all of the time. But she calls it nibbling !
    The learners permit is driving her crazy, she wants it and I am dragging my feet ! The dating, the crying, the hair, the make-up, the texting, the sleeping and heaven knows what else we endure but I wouldn’t trade it for anything ! Got to go, her bras and tanks are marching out of her room towards the washer ! The rest is sure to follow ! Laundry, awaits !

  8. Sharita Jackson Says:

    This is hilarious! I needed a laugh today! lol

  9. Tracey Says:

    Hello Moms and Mrs. Sontag out there,

    I came across your blog and I began to laugh a lot I might say. I truly enjoyed you wonderful way of putting things. My children came into my computer room to see what I was laughing so hard for. I asked them about the candy and they agree with the chocolate theory, suckers (filled with bubble gum) they say is good. They liked the sour bottle caps, but prefer they chocolate more.

    The blog about waking teens was very true indeed. I am constantly tripping over clothes,books and god knows what else is on the floor. I have stopped myself from going into both teenagers rooms, because it is a trap to sprang my ankle.

    But my favorite one so far is the Sock blog. I was laughing so hard, because it’s all true. Keep up the great blogs and now that I found your page on FB, I will not be a stranger.
    Your faithful viewer,

  10. steven Says:

    ok I personally think that candy corn is amazing and so are bottle caps

  11. Susan K. Says:

    My parents gave out fruit. I am now 44 years old, and still cannot escape the shame…

  12. Spencer Says:

    Well, I guess you won’t like me either! I love pretty much everything you hate! Except raisins. Unless they’re covered in chocolate. I love bottle caps, candy corn (chocolate candy corn preferably) and that orange peanut butter taffy. But in my not so humble opinion, the staple candy of Halloween is tootsie rolls. They’re chocolate, they won’t melt and they’re good anytime. Plus, I’m pretty sure they’ll last till next Halloween.

  13. Rachel Says:

    Thank you for the wonderful reminder! Now if we could only post notices in each neighborhood on Halloween, the kids would be covered. :)

  14. cheree Says:

    I really enjoy reading your blogs. You have a great sense of humor.

  15. Melissa Avery Says:

    Mother of a 12 year old boy that’s still laughing about socks (or lack there of) and teaching kids to talk (Oh Snap!)! Thanks for today’s smiles and looking forward to more!

  16. Laurie Says:

    Thank you all so much for commenting and reading and passing me around :)

    I give up. I’ll still like you if you like Bottle Caps. But I reserve the right to think you have weird taste buds.

    Raisins–oh if people actually knew how they used to be dried. Let’s just say flies are an integral part of the process. Ick.

    Susan K., I can’t imagine your shame. Even my dentist friend hands out candy. Personally, I think it’s probably good for business, though.

    I still wonder about the socks, then someone commented that they are used for other purposes and hello! I don’t want to think about that!

    I bought a spray bottle today. Let’s see if I’m brave enough to use it!

  17. Corey Part Says:

    I’d just like to say i love this site so much!!! thhanks for it all

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