Pumpkin Spice: It’s from Hell

Posted on November 20th, 2015

It’s officially fall and we all know what that means. Yes, the stench of pumpkin spice is back. Oh, I know. Some of you love it. Some of you walk around  for days with a smile on your face and a pumpkin spice latte in your hand.

I am not one of you. In fact, I think you are crazy.

Truthfully, I loathe pumpkin spice anything. First of all, it doesn’t even smell like pumpkin spice. If I smelled a pumpkin and it smelled like that, I’d think it was rotten, moldy, and needed to be in a landfill. I would definitely not think “Oh, yum! I smell the heady aroma of pumpkin spice and must have it! Pumpkin spice rules the world!”

Besides the unappetizing odor, it doesn’t taste like pumpkin spice. It doesn’t even taste like a latte, for that matter. But it definitely doesn’t taste like a pumpkin. I’ve had real pumpkin, people. It was during a very dark period of my life when I was obsessed with Martha Stewart. I prefer not to talk about the pain I caused my family with knitting and cooking and folding sheets properly. But it happened. And I had real pumpkin. And it didn’t taste anything like pumpkin spice. That’s because pumpkin spice anything tastes like…I don’t know. A rotting pumpkin flavored with many chemicals? Yes. Yes, that could be it.

But despite these obvious deficiencies, pumpkin spice is taking over the world. We have pumpkin spice cream cheese, pumpkin spice bubble bath, pumpkin spice candles, and pumpkin spice muffins.  Most horrific is pumpkin spice ice cream. It seems like a cruel joke, but it’s true. Someone has defiled ice cream with pumpkin spice. It’s a horrible, awful world where apparently all we want to do in the fall is smell like or eat a rotting pumpkin.

But this morning I saw something that made shivers go up my spine. Something worse than pumpkin spice ice cream. Something worse than pumpkin spice air freshener. Yes, today I saw an ad for pumpkin spice kitty litter. And yes, I do wish I were joking.

Sadly, I am not. So now you know that there are people in America who want their kitty litter to smell like their latte. And their bathwater. And their breakfast. I find that…disturbing. On many levels. Many, many levels. I mean, is it just me or has that just gone one step too far? Seriously?

This has to stop. Whoever came up with this crazy idea to make everything in the fall smell or taste like a rotting pumpkin carcass should ashamed. Deeply ashamed. Much like the idiot who decided women should always wear high heels. There are special places in hell for those people.

On the bright side it will soon be Peppermint Mocha season. Which I love. Of course, if they make holiday kitty litter in Peppermint Mocha scent, I may have to change my mind.

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2 Responses to “Pumpkin Spice: It’s from Hell”

  1. Nomads By Nature Says:

    When you got to the kitty litter, which I was TOTALLY NOT expecting, I tasted sour in my mouth. ugh!!! Scented candle, I get, because an animal with caustic urine doesn’t pee on it. Sorry the chemically induced fall invasion has been so intense. Give me a clean smelling house with fresh cold air wafting through and cinnamon rolls baking in the oven – that says holidays so much more!

  2. Laurie Says:

    You had me at cinnamon rolls…

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