Meet No-no Lulu, the Dog from Hell

Posted on November 1st, 2010

My name is No-no Lulu and I am a chewer.

Oh sure, all puppies are chewers. But I’m telling you, I am the best chewer you’ve ever seen. I can destroy a shoe in 3 minutes. I can do it in 1.5 minutes if it’s a flip-flop. Okay, 5 minutes if it’s an athletic shoe.

I can chew other stuff, too. This summer I made fountains. Hey, it was hot and I have a fur coat on, you know. So I dug out a couple of fountains. It was easy. I just chewed my way through the big pipe that waters the plants and voila! A waterfall for me to play in on hot days.

Of course, anybody other than my humans would have been ecstatic about a free fountain. But, no. They were mad. They said “No-no Lulu” and even made me have a timeout. Hello? Timeout? Please. I can do a time-out standing on my head. Just gives me more time to figure out what to chew next.

I’m telling you, some days I just sit under the table, thinking of what to destroy. And then I see something move and bump my head on the table leg and that’s when it hits me. I should totally just gnaw on the leg for a while.

Of course that gets me into trouble. Apparently, the humans like their stuff to be unchewed. Go figure. And of course that made the humans try to control my chewing, like it was unnatural or something.  The female sprayed the entire yard with this bottle of stuff that smelled really, really good. So right after she sprayed it, I ran outside, rolled in it and then I dug up a new fountain.

I can’t figure out why the female human was so upset. I thought she was inviting me to roll around and dig in it. How was I to know she sprayed it out there to keep me away? And is it my fault that it smelled so delicious? I don’t think so.

Anyway, soon after that the female human started buying me toys. I love toys. My favorite is Mr. Bunny. The female human didn’t actually buy him. I stole him off a kid who came over. By the time the female human and her friend found Mr. Bunny, I had torn his head off and the kid didn’t want him anymore.

But then one day, I chewed Mr. Bunny’s leg off and he started leaking white, fluffy stuff all over the place and that’s when the female human threw him away. At first I was really, really sad. I sat right by the trashcan and stared at it. Then I put my paws on the trashcan and a miracle happened. The cover of the trashcan opened and there was Mr. Bunny! Right on top. So I knocked the can over.

And that’s when the second miracle happened.

All that glorious, smelly, yummy trash slid right out of the trashcan and onto the floor. It was like an all-you-can-eat buffet. I was in doggy heaven. Even Kirby, the dog who lives with me and who is kind of snotty, joined in the buffet. Sadly, the female human arrived at our little snack-a-teria and started screaming and giving timeouts. And that pain-in-the-rear Kirby had seen her coming and had jumped on the couch right before she started screaming, so Kirby didn’t get a timeout at all.

And I didn’t even get Mr. Bunny back. But that was okay, because later on the female human gave Kirby and I some bones to chew. Well, I ate mine right away, but that snippy Kirby just sat on the couch with hers. She didn’t even touch it. Not even to lick it. So I figured she didn’t want it. I tried to take it. And then somehow her ear got bit and something called blood was all over the couch.

And yeah, I got another timeout. And now they are getting me help, which Kirby says is really somebody who comes over to the house and teaches me to be obedient. I don’t want to be obedient. I want to chew the chairs in the dining room. They taste like wood and I like that.

But I’m not that worried.  Like I said before, I was born to chew.  So we’ll see how that whole “training” thing works out. In the meantime, I see a new pair of flips flops on the floor. Yummy.

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11 Responses to “Meet No-no Lulu, the Dog from Hell”

  1. Karrin Says:

    *lol* I had a foster IG that was like that – but luckily for me he liked the hubs stinky Vans. I have no idea why, maybe because they smelled like something died, or poop…….

  2. Laurie Says:

    LOL! they like them better when they smell like poop. Which doesn’t say much for my shoes.

  3. Karrin Says:

    :-x Ok I admit it, I did LOL on that…….

  4. Karrin Says:

    rather :x

  5. Karrin Says:

    No that didn’t work either… : x …there

  6. shelby Says:

    this is amazing! I found you through YAHOOO!!! thank god for the over annoying site that seems to be necessary. it sounds alot like my Black Lab, Onyx, except, he chewed thru the wood around the outside of the fireplace. the hardy plank was gone on all 3 sides, about 3 feet high….HE ATE IT!! like *poof* its gone….none left anywhere…..

  7. Laurie Says:

    Puppies. We have to love them, even though they eat everything!

  8. Karrin Says:

    He ate the WOOD? Oh my, I can just imagine that aftermath……..

  9. Barbie Doll Says:

    Cool post, just subscribed.

  10. shelby Says:

    yes, he ate the wood….it was very confusing….it only took him TWO HOURS to eat it all… he is most content with the finer things, like cow legs and pig ears….all of which are made for dogs, but not for the humans around them….

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