I am an Old Fart…And Proud of it

Posted on November 2nd, 2010

Have you ever done something so weird, so out of character that it makes you realize something really, really bad is happening to you? If you have, then you understand the trauma I am experiencing at this very moment.

You see, the other day, something awful happened. Something that made me question my entire outlook on life. Something that made me realize that…well, that my teenager may actually be right about something.

Yeah, it’s that bad.

In fact, it’s terrible. My teenager thinks I’m an old fart. Yes, I know ALL teenagers think their parents are old farts. But the sad part about my teen thinking I’m an old fart is that he’s probably right. In fact, I may even be the oldest of old farts, destined to live out a life where I am clearly the oldest person on the planet.  And what happened to make me realize my teenager is correct when he says I’m old?

Well, I can barely say it. It’s pretty embarrassing. But here goes: I, Laurie Sontag, previously a woman who was young on the inside, and ignored mirrors that told me the opposite about my outside, turned on the TV the other day and got excited because there were two episodes of “Law & Order” on. In a row.

And my teen caught me watching it and may, just may, have seen me do the happy dance when I realized that the first episode had just started, so I didn’t miss any of the good parts. And that may, just may, be why he referred to me as an old fart. To my face.

In my defense, how often do you turn on a TV and realize that a good show is on and that you didn’t miss any of it? I even got the murder scenes. Imagine my joy. Honestly, I could not have been happier if I had found designer shoes in my size at 80% off. I’m happy just remembering it.

Oh, please. Don’t act like you wouldn’t have been excited too. They were back-to-back, for pete’s sake. And with Jerry Orbach. Jerry. Orbach. The Man. Not the two new guys, who frankly I didn’t much care about. Sorry, I just never could get into them. Anyway, you know you would have been happy.

And sadly, you would have been an old fart like me.

Holy cannolli. Do you see how far I have fallen? I was once cool, for pete’s sake. Well, okay. Maybe I wasn’t cool, but I certainly wasn’t running around in orthopedic slippers rhapsodizing about Jerry Orbach. Good Lord. I am an old fart. And I don’t think there’s any turning back from this.

Oh, sure. It could be worse. I could be tuning in for “Murder She Wrote” or “Matlock.” Those are what my Grandmother refers to as her “stories” and what the rest of the family refers to as “grandma’s addiction.” Okay, once my sister called it “Grandma’s crack TV,” but even though it was funny, it was pretty disrespectful.  But accurate.  You know, like how accurate Junior was when he came in the room, saw me watching “Law & Order” and called me an old fart.

Oh, how the once cool and youthful have been brought down. Seriously, people. I have the viewing habits of an 88-year old woman—or pretty darn close. Let’s face facts here. Once you’ve done the happy dance for “Law & Order” you are only steps away from celebrating “Murder She Wrote” and, most horrifying of all, the Fox News Channel. I am on a downward spiral here. How the heck did this happen to me?

I can change this, I know I can. I can tune into HGTV. Wait, that’s not cool enough. I can watch MTV. No, I can’t. I mean, sure I can watch HGTV, what woman–no matter how old–could turn that off? But I can’t watch MTV. It’s no longer “Head Banger’s Ball.” It’s all scripted reality TV now. I watched for an entire hour the other day and frankly, I didn’t see one music video. When did MTV become Bravo?  Will they start showing “Real Rock Stars of Atlanta” any time soon?

Oh, heck, I guess I’m an old fart. Which is fine with me. Because “Law & Order” just came on and I need to go watch this episode. It’s one with Jerry and Jesse L. Martin. Whoo-hoo. My feet are doing the happy dance.

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11 Responses to “I am an Old Fart…And Proud of it”

  1. Karrin Says:

    Hahahahahahaha!!! L&O is cool. I tape Y&R because I get home too late to watch it at 6pm on Soap Net. Thursdays are referred to by me as ‘Killer Women’ day because of the shows on ID. I get up EARLY on the weekends to watch my EPL matches live, then spend the day watching PBS….That makes you a younger fart – ummm, yeah…you kow what I mean.

  2. Laurie Says:

    Karrin, what is EPL? And you should check out Law and Order: UK. I can’t understand half of what they are saying, but the part I do understand is really good :)

  3. Stephanie Says:

    Wait! I’m 16 and I get that excited for “Law & Order” reruns! Jesse L. Martin makes my heart m-e-l-t.

    And you’re totally right about MTV. What happened to the “music”? Or the “television” for that matter?

    Consider yourself lucky that you caught a “back-to-back”!

  4. Liz Says:

    EPL is english premier league. I watch also because I am a soccer fan. But my darling children call me an old fart because I love to watch Ghost Whisper reruns. So I know the feeling. I also love L&O SVU. Us old farts need to stick together no matter what our children say.

  5. Lauren Says:

    I have been watching L&O for almost three years now. Yes, most of it is the SVU version, but you are not old for getting excited about it. When I was pregnant with my son, TNT would have 5-hour long marathons and I would sit on the couch for 5 stinking hours. Only moving for potty breaks and the occasional poptart (my craving!). As I am almost 21 (18 days!), and I watch the same show, you are not an old fart. Getting excited about the old movie channel, however, makes you as old as my mom…and me on Sundays…

  6. Karrin Says:

    English Premier League – real football *lol*. I love L&O-UK…just something about a man with an accent….brouge is better but I’ll settle for cockney ; )

  7. Aleesha Says:

    Hey, I’m only 22, and i do a little happy dance when i see a law and order marathon… My fav is the Criminal Intent… It makes my husband roll his eyes and go into the other room when he can see how long that channel is going to be on!

    Btw, i love your blog, im not a parent yet, but it gives me a good idea of what i have to look forward to!!

    And as my grandma says… you’re not old… just well seasoned.

  8. Laurie Says:

    LOL! Good to know I’m not as old as I think–or as old as I look in the mirror (seriously, I think mirrors should be banished at least until I get the picture in the attic to start aging instead of me). If it doesn’t start working soon, I may end up over-seasoned :) But I guess that makes me spicy, right??

    The good news is since the “young” farts on here also love L&O, I can start calling it my guilty pleasure instead of my old fart addiction! I will not start watching soccer though. Seriously, I had enough of that when the teenager was young. I do like the classic movie channel though. I can watch it forever.

    BTW, Happy birthday Lauren…a bit early.

  9. Karrin Says:

    TCM rocks! The hubs rolls his eyes when I exclaim ‘YAY!!! Bringing Up Baby is on!!!!’ or ‘OH It’s Richard III, the B&W version!! Sweet!’ *lol* As for soccer – I love the sport but the men in shorts with ripped abs…oh yeah, hello Saturday 6 AM! ; )

  10. Lauren Says:

    Thanks!

  11. Lauren Says:

    BTW..I am not saying that watching TCM makes you old. I am in love with anything that has Cary Grant starring in it and also am a major fan of the B&W version of Pride and Prejudice. I am just saying I tend to only watch it on Sundays…and when Summer Under the Stars is on :D

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