My Dogs are Out to Get Me. Really.

Posted on November 8th, 2010

I don’t want to sound paranoid—but I think my dogs are out to get me.

Seriously. Between Kirby and No-no Lulu, I don’t think I have a chance. I know you don’t believe me—but hear me out, okay? Now, it doesn’t take much to drive me to the brink of insanity and tip me over the edge. I’m the first to admit that. But the dogs are making me crazy. And I think they know it.

Take No-no Lulu’s new game. She sits in front of the backdoor. Yes, I know that under normal circumstances a dog sitting in front of the door is no reason to go crazy. But I’m telling you, that’s part of their plan to drive me to the loony bin. Look, for Kirby, sitting in front of the backdoor is the signal for wanting to go outside. It’s a nice signal. It works. For years, Kirby has stood in front of the door whenever she needed to heed nature’s call or chase some birds.

No-no Lulu, on the other hand, has taken standing in front of the backdoor to a whole new level. She will stand in front of it, whine and bark and then when I let her out, she peeks around the door, sniffs the air…and walks away. Seriously. She does this all the time. In fact, as of 9 AM this morning, she has done this approximately 529 times.

And yes, I’m getting a little bit tired of it. And yes, it’s making me cranky and slightly crazy. And no, I don’t know why I keep falling for it.  And before you ask, yes, she only does it with me. On the other hand, there is an upside. I’m working off all the leftover Halloween candy that I’ve been inhaling for the past few days.

Sadly, that would be one of the few upsides to No-no Lulu’s antics. The darned dog is a chewer. And by “chewer,” I actually mean, “uses her teeth to destroy anything and everything in her path.” A few weeks ago, she ate a couch. Yes, a couch. Okay, it was one of those whicker, outdoor couches. But still. She ATE a couch. How many medium-sized dogs do you know who eat couches?

And Kirby? Oh, I’m pretty sure Kirby was in on it. She’s just smarter than No-no Lulu. She was sitting on the couch the day it was eaten, for Pete’s sake. I came outside to see what was going on and there was Kirby, laying in the sun practicing her innocent look while No-no Lulu was standing on the cushion, gnawing a hole that spanned the entire back of the couch.

Yeah, and in case you were wondering, they were outside for about half an hour.

Also? I think they may be becoming teenagers. Last week, I walked into the living room to find tiny bits of toilet paper floating all over the room. It looked like the Charmin clouds had made it snow all over the good furniture that nobody is allowed to sit on—except the dogs who ignore such silly rules. Anyway, the dogs had tee-pee’d the entire room. And when I say “entire,” I mean I’m still finding little bits of toilet paper in the couch cushions a full week later.

Not to mention the fact that when I found them, both dogs were sitting on the forbidden couch covered in fluffy white stuff. I can only thank my lucky stars I found them before No-no Lulu decided to eat that couch.

And then there’s the whole forbidden areas thing. Look, I like animals. I even like my dogs. But I believe that there are areas where dogs do not need to be. You know, like the bathroom. Unfortunately, No-no Lulu doesn’t understand that. And that’s why she taught herself to open doors. I kid you not. The dog stretches up, hooks her paw over the lever and voila! The door opens.  Yes, I could lock it. If the dang locks worked.

Now Kirby doesn’t do that. Not because she doesn’t want to, but because she can’t. Poor baby eats everything that can’t run from her and she’s starting to resemble a sausage with four toothpick legs. It’s not a pretty sight. Of course, if No-no Lulu opens the door, Kirby does manage to waddle in to annoy me.

So you see, I may be paranoid, but there’s good reason for it. My dogs are out to get me.

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7 Responses to “My Dogs are Out to Get Me. Really.”

  1. Karrin Says:

    *ROFL!* My tripod Iggy does the No-No Lulu back door thing too! He’ll sit there and whine, you say ‘you need to go do business?’ He gets all excited and jumps about barking, so I get up and open the door. He looks outside, then at me, then back outside, then gives me this disgusted Iggy look and goes back to the couch to burrow. In MY warm spot with MY blankie…..*snort*

  2. Laurie Says:

    As I type, No-no Lulu is sitting at the backdoor barking. LOL. If I weren’t crazy already, this would surely tip me over the edge :)

  3. Karrin Says:

    So – did you fall for it? ;)

  4. Laurie Says:

    Of course. The alternative is worse. I always wonder what will happen if I just ignore her…and I really don’t want to clean up dog poop!

  5. Karrin Says:

    Well, there are 2 ways to go:

    1 – ingnore her and maybe, JUST maybe she’ll know you are wise to her and button it

    2 – poop patrol. I have 3 dogs and 3 stepkids, so I know poop patrol *gag*

  6. Karrin Says:

    *ignore – UGH!

  7. Laurie Says:

    Yes, Karrin…hello? Ignoring is at my peril. You don’t think the kid will pick up dog poop on the kitchen floor, right? LOL.

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