How to Speak Dad

Posted on June 20th, 2009

You know, when I was growing up, we had momisms—sayings my mom yelled at us over and over. Of course, Dad was an equal partner in the parenting, so we had dadisms yelled at us as well. So for Father’s Day, I put together a list of my Dad’s Greatest Hits and my rebuttals. Because you know, I’m an adult now. He can’t ground me for talking back. At least, I don’t think he can.

“I walked to school in the snow, uphill, both ways with the dangerous abominable snowman lurking in the trees waiting to pounce on me and take my lunch.”

Dad, you grew up in Los Angeles. That’s not snow, it’s smog. And Grandma says that she drove you. Through the smog. And there were no hills. The worst thing that could have happened to you was an allergy attack.

“My name is Dad. Only my friends get to call me by my first name and you’re not my friends; you’re the fruit of my loins.”

Dad, enough with the fruit of my loins stuff. Can’t you just call us your children? Oh, wait, now I get where we inherited our love for drama.

“Do I look like a bank?”

Not since I’ve grown up. Now you look more like an ATM. Yikes! I’m just kidding, Dad. You look like Dad. You don’t look like a bank at all. Besides, Mom’s a much softer touch than you are, so I’ve always used her as my personal banker.

“I’m not lost. I just have a better way to get there.”

Dad, I love you. But you could drive across the country and somehow end up in Europe by way of China without once ever stopping for directions. For the love of Mike, Dad, please get a GPS. And use it!

“No daughter of mine is going out dressed like that.”

Dad, dad, dad. What we wore was modest compared to today’s teenagers. Besides, we always changed our clothes once we were out of the house, anyway. And you should have seen some of THOSE outfits.

“Boys are only after one thing. I know because I used to be one before your mother got hold of me.”

I don’t even want to know how that happened, Dad. I’m positive the visual will burn my retinas.

“I always obeyed all traffic laws and I never got in an accident.”

Um, Dad. You really need to talk to Grandma. She’s all about telling the truth. I know about your speeding tickets and that incident with the pole that appeared out of nowhere when you were driving your first car at 16. And I know why you had a different car at 16 and a half.

“I really like your new boyfriend. His tattoos are so interesting.”

All right, Dad. You are the King of Sarcasm. For the record, only one of my boyfriends had a tattoo. But you should have seen the piercings on Tiffany’s prom date. I know she’s the youngest and got away with a lot more than the rest of us…but wow. Who knew you could have piercings on so many areas of your body and still live?

“If ifs and buts were candy and nuts then we’d all have a Merry Christmas.”

Seriously, Dad. I have no clue what this means and I never did. Someday will you explain it to me?

“Don’t make me stop this car.”

I think it’s time to come clean. I NEVER wanted you to stop the car. It was my sisters. They had small bladders and would make up fights just so you’d pull over and they’d get to use the restrooms. What can I say? It was a long trip across country.

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6 Responses to “How to Speak Dad”

  1. Norine Says:

    So funny! Hope you all have a Happy Father’s Day!

  2. Laurie Says:

    Thank you! I hope you had a good one too!

  3. Jenna Says:

    Pretty good post. I just came across your blog and wanted to say
    that I have really liked reading your posts. In any case
    I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon!

  4. Laurie Says:

    Hi Jenna,

    Thanks for reading me!

  5. Todd Says:

    Very funny!

    However, becoming a “Dad” makes you realize how wise those words really were – with a little upgrading, of course! ‘fruit of my lions’ is a bit dated. ;)

  6. Laurie Says:

    Wait! You think my Dad’s vocab is a little dated? But Todd, he’s totally groovy and with it.

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