It’s Flashback Friday. Time to rewind the clock and visit Junior’s past–and his unfortunate LEGO addiction. And if you think it’s gone, you should see the new LEGO model of the White House that he made over the holidays
I hate LEGO. It’s evil. Oh, yeah, LEGO sounds like a good thing—after all, what parent doesn’t like a toy that is educational? LEGO teaches fine motor skills, motor planning and creativity. But it’s evil. I’m sure of it. Look, if you aren’t a parent, you probably think I’m nuts. But there are things that you just don’t know about LEGO.
1. It multiplies on its own.
Rabbits have nothing on LEGO. If you purchase one of those tiny little LEGO kits that have a spaceman—and only a spaceman—in them, within a week that LEGO has morphed into an entire Martian village complete with aliens, a space family and a newfangled reactor that enables the space family to breathe on Mars without wearing space suits.
And heaven help you if you purchase the kit with the little LEGO diver. Before you know it, the Pacific Ocean, with each creature of the sea represented, is floating in your living room. You don’t want to see what salt water and a hammerhead shark can do to your leather sofa. Trust me. I’ve been there.
2. LEGO can maim.
Okay, I know you think I’m exaggerating. But ask any parent who has been up at 3 AM to give their child a drink of water. Your child’s room is a minefield of LEGOs. It’s like the LEGOs were having a party and, once the parent walks in, they scatter. And of course the parent steps on the LEGO. And once you step on the little LEGO brick, it wedges itself into your heel causing a pain so intense, that few survive. And if you are lucky enough to live to go to the hospital—be careful. Only special surgical teams, trained in LEGO extrication, can safely remove LEGO. If you get an inexperienced team, you may never walk again. At the very least, you can kiss your cute summer sandals goodbye.
3. LEGOs come in kits.
Now this seems like a great idea. If you want to make a model of Hogwarts or the Pyramids, you just buy a kit of LEGO that has every piece you need, plus instructions. But wait! What if you lose the instructions? Have you ever tried to figure out how to make a model of The Chamber of Secrets using 497 pieces of Lego and no directions whatsoever? I know rocket scientists who cannot do this. Mere moms like me run in horror when we hear that a LEGO piece is missing.
And what happens when you lose one of the bricks from the kit? Forget it. The kit is dust. You can’t make a Pyramid if the cornerstone brick is missing. You might as well go out a burn $80 in a big bonfire, because the entire kit is now useless. Well, maybe not entirely. It can still do considerable damage to your feet.
4. LEGOs are addictive.
Oh, it doesn’t seem that way at first. One day your child is a perfectly normal kid, walking, talking, and having fun with friends. Then he starts getting up early to make a quick racecar before breakfast. Pretty soon, he stops sleeping—staying up all night long to build a LEGO castle complete with moat, drawbridge and fire-breathing dragon. Which you step on, of course.
Pretty soon, your child’s grades start to slip. All he thinks about are LEGOs. His days are planned around his next fix. He’s spending all of his allowance on LEGO kits—and he’s going deeper in debt to the grandparents so he can finance a huge purchase of LEGO bricks with special features like working windows and wheels that turn.
It’s sad. And there’s no place to turn. It’s hard to believe, but here in America we don’t have LEGO rehab. But we sure could use it. Because once your child is addicted, nothing can part him from his LEGOs. Believe me, I know. Harry kept his LEGOs from when he was a child. He’s a grown man, for pete’s sake. And when we moved, his LEGOs were in a special box, hand-carried to the new house. The dog didn’t even get such a special privilege.
And people wonder why LEGO and I don’t get along.Add me to your rss reader | Become a Fan on Facebook!