How to have a Happy Valentine’s Day

Posted on February 10th, 2011

February 14th is coming. Everywhere I go there are hearts and flowers and chocolates and jewelry. You know, the basic necessities of life. Anyway, alongside all those necessities are confused men, searching for gifts for their sweeties. They are tired. They are frustrated. And they don’t understand why a woman who complains daily about the size of her butt wants an entire box of chocolates.They need help.

And then there are the men who have to make up for past transgressions. You know, the ones who actually asked their significant others why on earth she wants a box of chocolate when her butt is the size of an airplane hangar. I feel for those men. So to help, I have compiled a list of the most common errors men make and the appropriate gift to…help them have a better Valentine’s Day.

1. Leaving the toilet seat up. For some reason, most men do not understand the seriousness of this. Look, it’s the middle of the night. She awakens, stumbles to the bathroom. Keep in mind that she is out of her nice, warm bed. And that the tile is very, very cold. And now her fanny is covered with water. From the toilet.

You have to make up for this with chocolates–I’m talking Godiva truffles. And don’t try to put cheap chocolates in a Godiva box. Women know the difference.

2. Forgetting a birthday. I know, it happens. You get busy at work–maybe the boss is a little cranky. And you forget a birthday. This is not an easy transgression to overcome. Yes, women SAY they want to forget a birthday. And YES, we say we don’t want any fuss. But that just means that you should take ten years off our age and hire the USC marching band to salute us on our special day.

The good news is you can make up for this. It will be expensive. In fact, it will take all the money in your retirement account; involve international travel and very expensive champagne that is only served in first class. But it will be worth it—until next year. When you forget again.

3. Honestly answering the question “Do I look fat in this?” Most men are smart enough to know that this is a question that can never be answered. My advice to men everywhere is that when this question is asked, you should pretend to be deaf. And then you should run and hide. The point is, do anything NOT to answer this question. Unfortunately, there are men out there who just don’t understand this. They think that every time the woman in their lives asks this question, that they should answer. Honestly. Completely. And without holding anything back.

Those men are idiots. And it will take a lot of Valentine’s Day kiss and make ups to get over this. I suggest jewelry. Diamonds. Big ones. Not the little chippy things you can get for $25.99 at the local superstore. I mean, the biggest you can afford. Or at least the biggest ones you can make payments on for the rest of your life.

4. Giving flowers that have obviously been stolen from your neighbor’s yard. Yes, I know it’s the thought that counts. And yes, you did give her flowers. But please. Just order two-dozen, imported red roses from the florist. Have them delivered to the office. And never, ever steal pansies from the neighbor again.

5. Forgetting Valentine’s Day last year. This is truly hopeless. Not even a trip to Bermuda can make up for this transgression. Well, maybe if it’s a trip to Bermuda with Mel Gibson or Orlando Bloom. Without you.

These solutions are guaranteed winners. They work—I know. My husband had to use the toilet seat one last year. And I really enjoyed those chocolates. And I’ll probably enjoy them again this year, too.

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2 Responses to “How to have a Happy Valentine’s Day”

  1. Lauren Says:

    My husband gave me a used vacuum cleaner for V-day this year.
    To go along with the George Forman grill I got for Christmas.
    I am starting to think he is trying to convey a message to me…

  2. Laurie Says:

    LOL. But was it a nice vacuum cleaner?

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