Let sleeping dogs lie. Or lay. Whatever.

Posted on March 14th, 2011

You’ll have to excuse me today. I am very grumpy. Really, really grumpy, as a matter of fact. The problem is, not only has the time change affected me (yes, I know it’s just an hour, but it hurts; it really hurts) and last night I didn’t get much sleep because I was sharing a bed with a dog.

Not Harry. I mean an actual dog. Harry is normally fine to sleep with, although if we’re being honest here, the man rolls up in the covers, which frankly, is a bit of an issue for me.

But the problem today is the dog and my lack of sleep. I need my sleep. I crave it the way…well, possibly the way Charlie Sheen craves attention and goddesses, only not in a crazy, “look at me, I’m on the internet” kind of way. More in a “if I don’t get enough sleep I’m a witch on wheels” kind of way. Which actually might be the same thing, now that I think about it.

Anyway for the last few nights I haven’t gotten any sleep because when Harry is travelling for work the dog, Kirby, enjoys sleeping with me.  Normally she doesn’t sleep with anyone but Junior, because Harry doesn’t like sleeping with dogs. Yeah, I know. He’s the smart one in our family.

As it turns out, Kirby is a bed pig. I don’t know how she does it, but that darned dog manages to kick my butt out of bed all the time. Seriously? She’s like 20 pounds. How the heck does she manage to hog up the entire bed?

And more importantly, why do I keep letting this happen?

I mean, it’s not like I could say it starts off well. It doesn’t. While I am in the bathroom washing my face and brushing my teeth, Kirby jumps up onto the bed and rolls herself up into a ball on my pillow. So when I’m done and ready for bed, I walk over and ask her to move.

And she pretends very convincingly to be deaf.

So I try to move her over. At this point, Kirby makes herself completely immobile. It’s like trying to move a 1,200 lb boulder. She literally will not move and stays tight in her little ball shape so I end up kind of rolling her to the side like one of those roly-poly bugs.

When I finally move her off my pillow (which by the way does not smell so fresh and clean and un-Kirby like at this point) Kirby huffs, rolls herself into another ball and stares at me like I am the worst person on earth because I have just taken her spot on the bed. Really? Really? I thought it was my spot, but obviously, I’m the spot stealer here.

And then we go to sleep. Or at least I go to sleep. Kirby goes into I’m-going-to-hog-the-entire-bed mode, which means she spends the next eight hours of prime sleeping time trying to push me off the bed.

And she’s shockingly good at it, too.

I wake up several times during the night and find the entire right side of my body dangling off the side of the bed. And there is a little, fat dog curled up into my back pushing at me with her little legs.

So I roll her over to the other side of the bed. And fifteen minutes later, I wake up with hands and feet dangling and a dog in my back again. I seriously don’t know how she does it.  I roll her back again. She takes over my side of the bed again.

This goes on for hours. Hours. And the entire time, Kirby acts like she is fast asleep. Her eyes don’t even open. She snores through this whole thing. And by the way, when I say Kirby snores, I mean she snores. Loud. Which also is not conducive to me getting my required hours of happy sleep.

So by morning, when the alarm clock from Hell wakes me from my completely un-refreshing night of sleep, I am grumpy. Also, my back hurts and there is no feeling in the entire right side of my body because it dangled into space for most of the night.

You know, at this point, I’m happy that Harry is home and will be taking all the covers. At least I can get some sleep.

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7 Responses to “Let sleeping dogs lie. Or lay. Whatever.”

  1. Nicole Says:

    omg. My dog does the same thing! She starts off in her bed, because she is not “allowed” to sleep in the bed, but when I am fast asleep, she turns into a ninja and stealthfully finds herself space between my legs and goes to sleep. And she WILL NOT MOVE! When my dog gets into bed before me, she also tries her ninja moves. She lays on her back as I tug on her to get her off of the bed. From there, she stretches one of her back paws all the way up until it jams into my throat while delivering a low moan. No, not a growl like a normal dog, a very monotone moan. Ninja pup. I have not had a good night’s sleep in a year and a half. I totally feel your pain.

  2. Christina Says:

    I hope you get a better night’s sleep…
    I have my own 70 pound canine bed stealer. Unfortunately my husband loves having her on the bed (she doesn’t sleep on his side…). I was laughing when you said yours hoped up there and pretended to be deaf when you tried to get her to move, b/c that is what mine does. Every night when I’m brushing my teeth. They must learn it at dog school – LOL.

  3. Laurie Says:

    LOL! They must learn this at dog school–or dog conventions or whatever they do when we aren’t around.

    No-no Lulu always raises her incredibly long legs up and bops me in the head. Fortunately, she sleeps at the foot of the bed, unlike Kirby who has to be as close as possible to any human. Thank goodness the hubs is home now. I froze last night, but at least I was in the bed the entire night :)

  4. et Says:

    Wow…sigh brings back memories….My dog a golden retriever aka(hurricane-when she was bored). Learned this trick AGES ago when we had her… would come upstairs in the dead of night and jump up into my bed. Now unlike your bed, mine was against a wall…so being the “princess” that she was…would finagle her way between me and the bed, and then bracing her legs against the wall, push me off the bed slowly of course as NOT to wake me, onto the lower mattress or the floor…often my mom would ME on the floor and my dog sprawled on my bed…and then yes like a 1,200 boulder, she would NOT get off even with all the pulling and pushing….sigh dogs…(this wasn’t even close to her opening locked doors, garbage cans, mooching off our neighbors and knowing where to hide when she was in trouble….)

  5. Catherine Taylor Says:

    Hilarious. I can totally relate. My dog is only 20 pounds as well, yet lays smack in the middle of the bed, or on top of my legs. Pushing her is too much effort in the middle of the night. We love our furry little beasties.

  6. Laurie Says:

    LOL. We do love our little doggies, so much so that we’ll wreck our backs for them :)

  7. Laurie Says:

    Opening locked doors? Wow. Even No-no Lulu hasn’t learned how to do that…yet.

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