Attack of the Ugly Bridesmaid Dresses

Posted on March 24th, 2011

I was cleaning my closet when I was viciously attacked by an ugly bridesmaid dress.

Aren’t all bridesmaid dresses ugly? Don’t try to tell me that you haven’t met a bridesmaid dress you didn’t like. If a bridesmaid dress is from the 1990’s, it’s ugly. And yes, I’ve had one from the 2000’s that defined hideous–but that was for my sister’s wedding so I’m not supposed to say that it was one of the worst dresses I’ve ever worn.

But seriously? It was ugly. And brown. Poop brown if I’m being honest.

Brides always tell you that the dress they picked and want you to shell out $400 for can be cut down and worn later. Right. Like I’m going to pay another $100 for alterations to something so blindingly ugly no amount of money will fix it, and then I’m going to wear it in public–again.

That is not going to happen.

Bridesmaid dresses are usually some hideous color like peach or yellow. When brides pick colors they think of flowers and tablecloths. They do not think that they are dressing up their closest friends in bright yellow dresses with embroidered bolero jackets that make them look ludicrous, not exotic. I know. I wore one. I even had matching shoes.

Some brides have themes, hence the Gone with the Wind style of dresses. I have a couple of these; one thankfully, was light blue, a color that is reasonably flattering to all who wear it. But when I’m walking down the aisle in lipstick red ruffles, wearing gloves and a hat and carrying a parasol, I can’t help but think that the bride hates me. She must. Who would do that to a friend?

Then there are the dresses with bows. Or rhinestones. Or, God forbid, both. I have one of these. It is a peach color not found in nature. There are bows on each shoulder, the bodice, and most horrifying, the rear. Now I ask you, how do you expect me to camouflage the size of my butt if it’s wearing a giant peach bow? And it didn’t stop there. No, this bride went all out. There are rhinestones decorating the center of each bow. They glittered in the candlelight ceremony. It was awful.

That brings me to another rant. Candlelight ceremonies. Hey, I’m wearing cheap high heels that have been dyed to match an ugly dress. The lights are shut off, I’m carrying flowers and a large flame and you expect me to see where I am walking? Does anyone else think that this will end up on the news? “Church burned by flammable bridesmaid. Story at 11″.

Before you ask, yes, my bridesmaids wore hideous dresses. The hats were worse. Little triangle shaped things with big, fluffy tulle poufs straight up out of them. They looked like overdressed pink pirates parading down the aisle. At least I can tell you I didn’t pick them. My mom and sisters picked the dresses, hats, and ugly lace gloves. This is particularly strange since my sisters were in the wedding. They wanted to wear those ridiculous hats.

My mom even picked matching stockings out for all my friends to wear since the dresses were something called “tea length”. I do not understand tea length. Is that the length you wear to tea? Does that mean you have “lunch length” or “snack length”? It made no sense, but the dresses were ugly anyway, so what did it matter? At least tea length meant that none of my bridesmaids had to spend an extra $100 shortening the dress so they could pretend they would wear it again.

But that brings me back to my closet. None of those dresses have seen the light of day for years-or at least since the day some friends had an ugly bridesmaid dress party. We painted our toenails to match the dresses and ate previously frozen wedding cake and watched old movies. There were prizes for ugliest original dress, ugliest dress altered for new use, ugliest dress handmade by the bride’s mother and other categories. I lent out two of my dresses, so I won three prizes. One for ugliest overall, one for ugliest dress with a petticoat and one for ugliest dress that could be mistaken for curtains. It was floral polyester.

I don’t know what to do with these dresses now. I mean, I’ve invested a small fortune in them. I guess I will let them hang out in my closet a while longer, memories of days gone by when my butt was able to handle the humiliation of a rhinestone studded bow.

Or maybe I could make curtains. Floral polyester in the kitchen may be just the touch it needs.

Laurie’s Note: This is a column that ran in the newspaper way before I had a blog. But I like it. And this week has been cold, rainy and filled with a teenager who has gotten out early from school most of the week–which makes me ask this question. Do the administrators just know what week would be the absolute worst week on the planet to have a hulking teen in the house with nothing to do but watch the pouring rain outside? Or are they just in the business of torturing me?  Sigh. Read. Enjoy. I’ll be back soon with fresh stuff :)

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8 Responses to “Attack of the Ugly Bridesmaid Dresses”

  1. Tacy Says:

    Thank you so much!!! I just laughed myself silly over the bridesmaid dress article! (Note to self: don’t be actively eating lunch when reading this blog) We’ve all been there. My “favorite” was either the prostitute dress (burgundy brocade, neck line around my navel and hem well above the knee) or the parachute dress (black and red taffeta, keyhole opening in the back with the gargantuan red bow on the butt.

    The world needs more humor! Thank you again!!!

  2. Tammsla Says:

    Haha! Your floral curtains sound like my aunt’s bridesmaid dresses :D (Hats included, of course)

  3. Liz Says:

    It is so funny that no matter how much we have advanced in the world one of the many things that stays the same is the bridesmaids dress. They are always ugly no matter what the bride tells you. I have been in every color under the rainbow. My daughters have now followed in my foot steps. Never and I mean never has anyone ever wore a bridesmaid dress again unless it was at some costume party. But every bride does the same thing. I think no I know the bride wants to look the best so she puts her friends all in horrible dresses so they cannot in anyway look better then her.

  4. Laurie Says:

    @Tammmsla, I know, what is with the hats? I mean, if you wouldn’t wear a bonnet in real life, probably wearing one at a wedding is a bad idea.

    @Liz, I think you are right. At my sister’s wedding, she was stunning. I looked like a big poo :)

  5. Laurie Says:

    @Tacy, Oh, the hooker dress. I had a teal one. It was very shiny so basically I looked like a holiday hooker ornament. Thanks for reading!

  6. yellow bridesmaid dresses Says:

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  7. Anita Says:

    I was in a December wedding, and wore a red velvet dress with a white fur muff, and a white fur pill box hat. The dress was made by the bride, and by the end of the night it started to rip! Not just my dress, but all the bridesmaids! We were all so embarrassed!

  8. Laurie Says:

    @Anita, LOL, the good news is, since they ripped you never had to wear them again :)

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