Somewhere around April, kids start planning their summer vacations and moms start to panic. Because moms know that if we haven’t booked a summer camp by the end of spring break, any hope of a peaceful summer are dust. Unless you are me. Then your child is too old for summer camp and all hope for a peaceful summer is dust anyway.
The great thing about summer camp is that they have one for every interest or budget. There are science camps, rocket camps, sports camps, horse camps, Barbie hair styling camps—the list could go on forever. But none of these camps are practical. I always preferred camps that taught children useful skills. Camps like these, my ultimate mommy fantasy camps:
Make Your Own Bed Camp
This exciting one-week camp introduces children to the wonderful world of bed making. Classes include “Comforters: The Easiest Way to Make a Bed”, its companion class “Tucking In: Tips and Tricks”, along with basic classes like “Clean Sheets Make for Happy Campers” and the ever popular “Hospital Corners: They aren’t Just for Sick People.” Camp Make-a-Bed guarantees that your child will emerge from her stay rested, refreshed and ready to make her bed—and yours—for nine months, or until next summer, whichever comes first.
This camp takes your child through the entire laundry experience. Your child will be able to smear her shirt in dirt, and then remove it using the latest advances in laundry technology. We feature classes such as “Ketchup 101—Get the Red out”, “Woo-Hoo—Get the Grass off Your Shirt too” and “Sorting: Underwear Shouldn’t be Pink.” At the end of your child’s stay at Camp We-Be-Clean, he will receive his very own, heirloom quality, stain remover kit.
No Means No Camp
After this two-week series of classes, lectures and tests, your child will emerge able to understand the meaning of the word “no.” Never again will you scream across the playground “which part of no didn’t you understand?” Classes in this very popular summer camp include “Because I’m the Mom/Dad, That’s Why” and “No is Not Another Word for Yes”. Camp Never-Say-Maybe fills up quickly, so reserve space for your child today.
Pet Care Camp
In this camp, your budding veterinarian learns all about the responsibilities of caring for animals. No more will you cave into your child’s pleas for a pet, only to find that you are the one feeding it, bathing it, and cleaning up its accidents. At Camp Feed-‘Em-Yourself, we teach all children to be the best pet owner they can be. Our class roster includes “Yes, it’s Poop, Now Clean it up” and “Your Dog Will Starve Unless You Feed it.” We recommend that graduates of this camp also attend Camp Wild-Thing; where your child will learn that Cheetas and Lions are not suitable pets.
Just Say No to Ke$ha and Cee Lo Camp
In this camp, children learn to say tick-tock your time is up to Ke$ha and, er forget you to Cee Lo. Your child will learn to appreciate music in classes that include “From Mozart to Aerosmith, a Complete Tutorial”, “Frank Sinatra and Ozzy Osbourne: Twins Switched at Birth?” and of course, “Those Divo Guys, Not Just Another Group of Classical Music Loving Geeks.” After a week at Camp Pop-No-More, your child will be completely free of any desire to listen to singers who dance, lip sync or change lyrics from the F word to another F word in an effort to fool parents. We offer full refunds if you hear any lyrics advising that they brush their teeth with a bottle of Jack blaring from your child’s room within six months of his or her camp experience.
Don’t Hit Your Brother/Sister Camp
Sibling rivalry is not dead. And that’s why your fighting youngsters need this intense, three-week* day camp. At Camp Peace-and-Love, siblings are placed in the same tent–with a camp counselor–and allowed to explore feelings of jealousy, competition and hatred in a private, yet supervised, setting**. Topics for discussion include “Bloodshed Isn’t the Answer” and “Yell and Live to Tell, Hit and in Time Out You Sit”.
Now these are summer camps a mom can use. Imagine a summer that is Ke$ha-free. Or a summer where bed making is done automatically. On the other hand, maybe the ultimate Mommy Dream Camp is a camp where mommy goes away for the summer.
*Due to the possibility of violent incidents, our insurance policy does not allow sleepovers at this camp. All children must be picked up at the end of each camp day.
**Due to the intense rivalry between some siblings, we cannot guarantee that your children will never fight again after attending this camp. Some siblings may need an advanced camp, Camp Cain-and-Abel.Add me to your rss reader | Become a Fan on Facebook!