If it’s Nearly Labor Day, You Must be Camping

Posted on August 29th, 2009

Labor Day is nearly here and you know what that means. Yes, we must stop wearing white shoes—although to be honest I’ve been never stopped. But what it really means is that summer is nearly gone and many people are getting ready for their last chance to experience a terrifying thing called “camping.” Sure, it looks like fun. But what person in their right mind wants to abandon all of life’s little luxuries, like indoor plumbing and HBO, for a weekend in a pup tent with four kids, a spouse and the family dog?

Not me. I have a strict no-camping policy. If Hubby and Junior are insane enough to brave the outside world without a working toilet, running water or air conditioning, that’s their deal and they do it without me tagging along. Personally, I‘ve never understood the allure of the great outdoors. And I certainly have never understood why people actually want to leave their nice, comfy beds and working toilets to go to a place where neither is available. It’s mind boggling to me that people who are otherwise perfectly sane would want to spend the night sleeping on the cold, rocky ground in a tent that doesn’t have WiFi access or—this might be the worst part of all—a shower.

And then there’s that whole nature thing. Look, let’s be real here. Nature is pretty, but frankly nature is just as pretty when you are looking out a window at it as when you are standing in it. And nature, pretty or not, can be downright mean. Who among us hasn’t suffered from allergies? Who hasn’t walked out in nature, reveled at the majesty of the trees and the sky and the land and then stepped in some sort of animal doo? Listen, you can revel from a dang window and only step in doo from your own animal. Trust me. I speak from experience.

There is a reason why we live in houses. Nobody really wants to sleep outside. It can be cold. It can be hot. It can be muggy and filled with mosquitoes. And yet, crazy people leave the comfort of their homes to travel long distances just so they can sleep outside in a tent. Why? Why would people do this? What’s the point? You have a nice warm bed in a nice warm house. You leave it to sleep in a smelly old sleeping bag on the ground in a tent. Am I the only person who thinks this is nuts?

Why did people invent mattresses if we were just as happy sleeping on the ground? And why invent indoor plumbing if a tree would do just as well? And showers? Heck, if a river was just as nice as a hot shower, why bother? I’ll tell you why. Because nobody wanted to live their entire lives sleeping on the ground and using a tree as a commode. Let’s not even get into the river thing, because we all know that you’re living in “ de Nile” if you think a river and a hot shower are the same thing.

And let’s talk about cleanliness, shall we? It is quite apparent to me that nature abhors a vacuum. It also abhors a dusting cloth and washing with soap and water. Nature is dirty, people. It is made of dirt, for pete’s sake. There are no sanitary facilities in the great outdoors. In fact, people who camp usually start their trip clean and fresh and end up dirty and stinking to high heaven. I don’t know about you, but there’s something about it that just doesn’t say “vacation” to me.

And what about bugs? Many of us have pest control guys–those masked heroes of suburbia, who rid the neighborhood of all kinds of icky, crawly things. And yet, some of you venture out into the wild, to places that have never, ever been visited by a pest control person. I think it’s insane. You pay a guy to get rid of pests, then you vacation in a place where pests can crawl up your nose while you’re sleeping. Does that make any sense to you at all?

Oh, I know I won’t change everyone’s mind about camping. There are those of you, my husband and son included, who believe that we should all spend time in nature. And there are those us, myself included, who believe that nature is stunning and beautiful and best viewed through freshly washed windows.

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9 Responses to “If it’s Nearly Labor Day, You Must be Camping”

  1. marymac Says:

    Can I just say two things?
    1.) Thanks for stopping by Pajamas and Coffee to hang out and for commenting; I appreciate you taking time. Yadda.
    2.) Dude, I love your blog design. It is sort of like the mom with her sexy lipstick is like about to give her swankified-looking coffee a blowjob. Which I would totally do if that’s how you got the caffeine into your system.
    also (and this would be the 3rd thing, so sorry for the poor math…) I love camping. My kids love it, too. Mostly it’s the eating Slim Jims and drinking Jack Daniels part I like, but I am kinda upper white trashy like that.
    xoxo!
    m

  2. The Crazy Baby Mama Says:

    I’M WITH YOU.

    but, you forgot to mention the drooling, slack-jawed, bug-eyed serial killers that lurk in the forests and mountains and prey on innocent campers. (yeah, it’s a recurring nightmare of mine… probably shouldn’t have watched ‘deliverance’ and ‘wrong turn’ in the same weekend. )

  3. Laurie Says:

    AUGH! Now I have something else to fear! I’m blaming you ;)

  4. kenotrono Says:

    It’s Labor Day Weekend. Have a nice day!!

  5. World Travel Says:

    You can depend me in for a Digg. Thanks for posting this on your site!

  6. James Says:

    “There is a reason why we live in houses. Nobody really wants to sleep outside. It can be cold. It can be hot. It can be muggy and filled with mosquitoes. And yet, crazy people leave the comfort of their homes to travel long distances just so they can sleep outside in a tent. ” It is more comfortable sleeping in our own bed.

  7. Sammie Marashi Says:

    Hi Best post you’ve here, i was just wondering if i could quote some of it in an article im performing if I attribute it to you and link through back right here. I will insert you to my blogroll links. You can take anything from my blog really should credit it me and backlink back :) Sory about my English, Thanks pal!

  8. Brigida Marie Says:

    Hi nice post, i adore camping i was caming last month with some close friends out through the lakes it was excellent. I had been just wondering should you had any guidance exactly where to discover a list of excellent campsites as the last 1 we went to was very poor and i wouldnt like to go to a similar one once more. Thanks! Sorry for my English :D

  9. nursery furniture Says:

    My son slept in his cradle until he was 5 weeks. He only ever woke up once a night so we decided to put him in his crib when he was taking a nap to see how he liked it. He did. Normally at night when i put him down for bed in his cradle he kicks around and flails his arms (but he always does that anyways) but when I put him to bed in his crib the first night he was amazingly calm and fell right to sleep without the legs/arm movement. I dont know what it was but he was always more content in his crib than in his cradle.

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