The other day, Harry replaced a ceiling fan in our home. While showing it to a friend, she and I realized that many couples have ceiling fan replacement issues.
You see, men think that once they have installed a ceiling fan, it will stay in the room until they die or sell the house, whichever comes first. Women, on the other hand, understand that fans are like shoes. Someday your favorite pair will have to be replaced because it’s out of style. But unless you know how to convince a man of that, you’ll be stuck with outdated ceiling fans forever.
Fortunately, I’m here to save you. In several million years of marriage, I have discovered ways to make Harry do what I want. Now this skill has come at great personal sacrifice. And there are times when it didn’t work or when it caused arguments. But for the most part, if you follow my advice, you will be able to have beautiful new ceiling fans in at least one room of your home.
The key to a successful ceiling fan replacement agreement is to never tell your partner the ceiling fan is ugly. Of course, every female who sees it knows it’s ugly. In fact, women may shield their eyes from it the minute they walk into the room. But you must NEVER tell your spouse the ceiling fan is ugly and needs to be replaced. This will guarantee failure. Men don’t care about ugly. If they did, boxer shorts would not be worn by anyone, ever.
The only way to replace the ceiling fan is by convincing your spouse the ceiling fan is defective. Sometimes this is simple. Just turn the fan on and find a spot that doesn’t get much air. Stand your spouse in that spot. And then casually mention hot summers, huge electricity bills and the need to be frugal and cool. Trust me, money and heat are sure winners in this situation.
Of course, some people are stuck with ugly—yet perfectly working—fans and have to resort to sabotage. Sabotage is tricky. It has to be something that isn’t easily fixed. You can’t just put a burnt out bulb in the fanlight. Your partner will replace the bulb, figure his workday is done, plop on the couch with a cold one and watch the game.
My personal sabotage recommendation is to bonk the fan blades with something heavy—like a bat. Be careful. You don’t want the fan to fall down—then you have to confess to bonking the fan with a bat and that will just start all kinds of arguments. You just want it to lean to one side a little. Once you have accomplished this, you can bring the man into the room and show him the defect.
After that, you need to pick out the perfect fan. DO NOT BRING YOUR SPOUSE WITH YOU. They will pick the cheapest. Or the ugliest. Or, most dreadful of all, the one that looks easiest to install which we all know will be the most hideous fan in the store. Instead, tell your spouse that you know he hates to shop and that you will find the ceiling fan.
Once you‘ve purchased it, put the fan in the garage for a week or two. And then one day, when your spouse is sitting on the couch, watching some stupid sporting event, mention casually that the ceiling fan is sitting in the garage “whenever he is ready.”
At this point, he will grunt at you and continue watching TV. But trust me, he’s taken this information in and is processing it. You see, he knows that today he got one little comment about the ceiling fan. But if he waits longer than a week to install it, he’s in for the full court press. All he’ll hear about is the ceiling fan. He won’t be able to take a shower without you nattering about the ceiling fan. Dinner will be served with napkins shaped like ceiling fans. Eventually, he’ll have nightmares about the fan.
And then one day, he’ll get the ceiling fan out of the garage and install it. And your work is done. You have successfully convinced the unconvincible mate to install a new ceiling fan. Congratulations.
Oh, one more word of advice before I go. Unless you live in the country without a neighbor for hundreds of miles—shut the windows during the fan replacement. After all, you don’t want all the neighborhood kids learning the new swear words your husband will let fly during the installation, do you?
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