Catalog Kids: Aliens in Your Mailbox

Posted on October 16th, 2009

A strange thing happened to me the other day. I opened my mailbox and discovered that aliens had taken over. Trust me, they’re in your mailbox too. In fact, you’ve probably already brought the aliens into your home—and you may have already recycled them.

You see the aliens are in the children’s clothing catalogs.

I know it sounds weird, but how else do you explain the fact that in all of those catalogs there are pictures of little boys playing football and not one—NOT ONE—is dirty? Please. These are boys. They are playing football. Dirt is part of the game.

If you don’t believe me, grab a catalog and look at the pictures. Those boys have to be aliens. Real boys don’t stay clean five minutes after they’ve taken a shower, let alone playing football. Not to mention that getting a real boy into the shower in the first place requires an act of congress or the threat of never seeing their Wii again.

And it wasn’t only that the boys were clean—their clothing was also perfectly pressed. They were wearing ironed cargo pants, for Pete’s sake. I was completely shocked. How many times have you ever seen a group of football-playing boys that were clean AND unwrinkled?

Never, of course. That’s why they’re aliens.

The boys even had perfect hair. And not just because it was combed, either. It was because their hair wasn’t sticking up in twenty different directions because there is so much gel in it that combs will no longer penetrate the gel/hair barrier. And, did I mention that the aliens in the catalogs had clean hair? How often does that happen in households with real boys?

Of course, it’s not just the boys that are aliens; it’s the girls, too. I have evidence. Look, several of the girls were dressed in fluffy pink dresses, standing next to a boy and they were smiling. Yes, smiling. While standing next to a boy. Have I mentioned I was shocked?

And that’s not all.

You see, in a few of the pictures, there were two little aliens, who looked like siblings. The brother alien had his arm around the sister alien. And neither of them were crying, making rabbit ears or screaming into the camera, “Mom, he’s touching me!”

I’m telling you, those aren’t real children. Real children do not allow their siblings to touch them at all. If a real brother put his arm around a real sister, she’d punch him out, not smile for the camera.

Even more frightening was my realization that every single catalog I’ve ever received has these alien children in it. Even the furniture catalogs. I mean, how scary is it to look at pictures of children’s rooms where everything is neat, clean and picked up off the floor? It gives me the shivers just to think about it.

I think the worst thing about these catalogs is that it gives parents false hope. We look at the aliens, frolicking in the park together or playing quietly in their tidy playrooms and we believe that it’s possible. That siblings can play together without fighting. That one day our sons will wash their hair and comb it.

The truth is those things will not happen in our lifetime.

That’s why I am going to start a catalog for real kids. The clothing in my catalogs will spring from the dryer, fully wrinkled. I may even add some pre-set stains, just in case there are boys who actually know that shirts aren’t napkins. The shoes will already have the laces torn out and they’ll have been squished into dog droppings about twenty times so they smell just like real kid’s shoes.

And as for those girls, they won’t be shown in pretty little princess outfits, with their hair all curled and in bows. They’ll be real girls, in tennis shoes, torn jeans and haircut she did herself, ready to slug her brother if he comes within 5 feet of her. Of course, not one picture will be taken in a playroom that doesn’t look like “Toys R Us” exploded in it.

That’ll give those alien-filled catalogs a run for their money.

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14 Responses to “Catalog Kids: Aliens in Your Mailbox”

  1. PhilG Says:

    VRy interesting to read it :P :D

  2. Early Learning Says:

    A well researched site, I’ll link to it from my site thanks

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  4. Gregory Despain Says:

    Good Post :)

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  6. Georgianne Fillip Says:

    the Internet is such a great medium and resource and I thank you for taking the time out to write, it is always a pleasure to read.

  7. Yi Blechman Says:

    Interesting page. My class mates and I were just talking about this the other night. Also your site looks nice on my old blackberry. And thats rare. Keep it up.

  8. Kellie Kallus Says:

    I visit this blog pretty frequently, though I rarely comment, and found this text terribly interesting. Thanks.

  9. udkl Says:

    One of the best things I’ve read today! Do you know of any good websites or shops where I can costumes from?

  10. Chris Harvey Says:

    Proficient, thanks for sharing this info. Looks great on my iPhone, but on the Blackberry Pearl’s browser your site comes out a little erratic.

  11. Annette Crumble Says:

    Evening i just came across your blog from Bing and have been browsing around some of your posts and just wondering why you chose a Wordpress site dont you find it impossible to do anything with? Also a security issue?

  12. Laurie Says:

    Um, because that’s what my tech guru said I should have?

  13. Camella Says:

    As a mother myself, I totally agree! Those are aliens! ;)

  14. Stephenie Ringham Says:

    This made me smile and hopefully after your last post it will do the same for you:

    To err is human, to arr is pirate. :)

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