Resisting Halloween candy is futile

Posted on October 6th, 2011

My latest for Yahoo! Shine where I am a parenting guru. Yeah, that title confuses me too. I mean, who knew I’d be a guru of anything?

This is the worst time of the year for me. Oh, it’s not the ghosts and goblins that seem to pop up in front of every house in my neighborhood. And it’s not the witches and vampires and princesses that will be coming to my door soon.

No, I’m scared of the bag of teeny, tiny chocolate bars in my pantry.

I just can’t resist it. Look, if there is chocolate in my house, I have to eat it. I must. It’s like a biological urge to survive via caramel and chocolate. There cannot be a chocolate bar within 100 feet of my home that I cannot find using my super-chocolate senses.

Now, I have tried everything to resist the lure of gooey goodness in my pantry every October.  I have tried buying candy I don’t like. Turns out, there is not really any candy that I don’t like, whether it contains chocolate or not.  I mean, I will admit I’m not fond of Bottle Caps, but I still eat them.

I have tried buying my candy on Halloween at 4 PM. Do you know what’s left at the grocery store on Halloween at 4 PM? Really gross stuff. And yet, by 5 PM, there I was in the kitchen mindlessly chewing on waxy vampire teeth. I don’t even think you are supposed to eat those, are you?

I have tried hiding the candy from myself. Turns out, myself is smarter than I look. Apparently, hiding candy, then trying to forget where I hid it is impossible. And yet, I can never find my dang keys and I’m not even trying to hide them from myself.  Go figure.

I have tried having my husband hide the candy at work. That worked great. Except he forgot to bring it home and there I was at 4 PM on Halloween, buying up all the icky candy in the store.

Of course, this isn’t my fault. I mean, it’s not like I don’t have willpower or anything. I do. I am able to resist lots of stuff. I can resist my teenager nagging me for an X Box. I can resist my dogs nagging me for treats.  I’m a mom. I am strong. I am nag proof.

But Halloween candy is evil. Once it gets into my pantry, it calls to me. I can hear it whisper “yum, yum” in the middle of the night. I can smell it every time I go into the kitchen. I swear to you, that candy has no shame. It wants me to break down and eat every last piece.

But this year, I refuse to answer the siren call of chocolate and caramel. I refuse to come running when the peanut butter cups in the pantry whisper my name. I refuse to eat the Starbursts and the Twizzlers and the Sweet Tarts and the assorted mini chocolate bars.

I will refuse them all. Right after I finish this bag of Rollos. After all, the bag was open already, so it’s fair game, right? Right?

What about you? How do you resist the Halloween candy?

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7 Responses to “Resisting Halloween candy is futile”

  1. Stephanie Says:

    Resist? I’m not familiar with that word when it comes to Halloween candy.

  2. Liz Says:

    I am totally with you on this one. And you do know what the real problem for me is? The older I get the more I want chocolate. I could resist not now. It is horrible. I do all the things you said, that was a joke. I was able to eat the whole darn bag in a couple of days. Believe it or not I actually gave birth to a girl who wait for it……does not like chocolate. She is a freak of nature that one. Her friends (and family) have actually made her eat it. She gets this disgusted look on her face like she is eating something so horrible. My son has actually asked for a DNA test to make sure she is related to us. As I have mentioned she is off to college and care packages are very hard to send.

  3. Laurie Says:

    @Stephanie, LOL, I know, right? Who resists? You just can’t.

    @Liz, OMG, what do you send, carrots? How does she cram for tests without chocolate? It’s crazy. Maybe she has faulty tastebuds?

  4. Gina Smith Says:

    Oh those evil elves that stock store shelves with decadent sweets! Why must they stock Halloween candy in August?!! Yes, I have tried those methods. I can actually hold out until I am sitting with the candy bowl in my lap watching the neighborhood boogers I mean beggars , I mean kids come to the house. So what if I buy the really good stuff for me, and give my favorite kids good stuff too, and give the icky stuff to the mean teenagers ? While I eat the good chocolate in front of them=) ! Candy corn is my weakness. I had 8 dozen cupcakes (white, yellow,spice and chocolate) that I baked for a school bake sale. I used Irish Butter cream icing decorated with candy corn. I ate one bag of Brachs myself as I decorated them… I still want more =)

  5. Laurie Says:

    @Gina, I was with you until you said candy corn. I just can’t eat candy corn (you know, unless I’m desperate). I don’t even hand out the candy anymore, I make Harry do it. That keeps me away from the candy and as a bonus Harry can look pretty scary :)

    The cupcakes sound awesome, tho. Oh, I love me some cupcakes.

  6. Lauren Says:

    I have a very serious question from one mother of a boy to another. Is it wrong to eat all of the chocolate from the Halloween candy and let him have the not so tasty stuff if he is just three years old and won’t know the difference? I did leave the Tootsie Rolls for him!

  7. Laurie Says:

    Oh, heck no, Lauren! You have to set their expectations when they are young. By starting early with eating all their chocolate, they grow up not expecting to get any chocolate at all and in fact will sometimes just hand it over without you having to ask for it :)

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