Attention people. Hello? Settle down. I have an announcement. I have just learned of a catastrophic event coming to a theater near you.
Yes, the new Twilight movie starts this week.
Yes, I can hear all the teen girls and twilight moms screaming in anticipation. And no, I’m not one of them. Not that I didn’t try, of course. I mean, I read the books. And by read, I clearly mean I got through the first one thanks to my incredible ability to consume vast quantities of caffeine every day so I don’t sleep. I tried to read the second one and ended up using it as a paperweight on my desk. Not even Starbucks could prevent me from snoozing through that one.
Look, the truth is, I didn’t find them well written. But as a writing teacher once told me, writers don’t have to actually write well, they have to tell stories well. And Stephenie Meyer told her stories well. Just not well enough for me to get through them. (For the record, I loved “The Host;” I even sent it to my grandma and it gave us both the chills.)
But back to Twilight. My first problem with this book was the plot. There’s this girl and she’s attracted to this guy who is obviously weird, albeit very good looking, even though he’s strangely pale. But everyone warns her to stay away from him. And yet, like any teenage girl on the planet, that makes her want him more. Even when she finds out that he sneaks into her room at night and watches her sleep.
Now, call me crazy, but in the real world, we call this stalking and my sister-in-law the police officer tells me she arrests people who do that.
Oh, and the guy is like 110 years old. And he’s still in high school. Seriously? How many freaking times were they going to send the 110-year old vampire guy to high school? Look, I went once and quite frankly that was more time than I needed. I would never willingly go again and certainly not over and over until I was 110. Yes, I know he went to college and I think medical school or something, but still. He willingly attended high school again. Why? Couldn’t his “parents” have just said he was homeschooled? What the heck was the point of sending a 110-year old to high school?
Another thing was the whole glittery vampire skin. Come on, really? I like when vampires turn into dust because they can’t be in the sunlight. What the heck is the point of having a vampire turn all glittery in the sun? Who the heck is afraid of that? I mean, you don’t hear people at scary movies screaming, “OMIGOD he’s so glittery; hold me, I’m afraid,” do you? No. And there’s a reason for that.
Glitter isn’t scary.
Then there’s the whole being faster than anyone on the planet and saving her from the car and holding himself back from drinking her blood…and practically every other plot point (and I use that term loosely) in the book. Not to mention that he’s like 110 and she’s 17, so seriously, what do they have in common?
After many, many pages of misunderstandings and near misses with vampires drinking her, the book mercifully ends. Honestly, I can’t remember what happens, but I think it has something to do with the next book, which involves a trip to Italy where vampire-boy will try to commit suicide by glittering himself to death in Venice.
And after that, there’s a third book where everybody gets into fights and the fourth book, which is the one that the new movie is based upon. That involves marriage, vampire sex, and a baby that is presumably half vampire, half human – which I assume makes her slightly less glittery than her father.
Yeah, I’m not a fan. But I know a lot of people are, and that is why I’m staying away from the theater this weekend. I just can’t handle the whole Twilight thing.Add me to your rss reader | Become a Fan on Facebook!