Dear Food Network, you are ruining my life

Posted on November 18th, 2011

Dear Food Network,

I just want you to know how difficult you have made Thanksgiving. Thanks to all your shows about making a fancy turkey dinner, my family and guests now expect a woman who cannot cook to turn out a dinner that is worthy of all your talk. I can’t take the pressure. It’s killing me.

No longer can I slap a couple of turkey TV dinners on the table and pronounce it a feast fit for kings. No longer can I serve a burnt turkey to the masses, yell “BAM” and announce that blackened turkey is a Cajun delicacy. No longer can I tell friends that the gravy is from an old family recipe that calls for lumps of flour to be floating in it.

You’ve ruined all my excuses. Oh sure, a couple years ago when I forgot to defrost the turkey, I could pass it off as starting a new tradition of turkey bowling. Or the time I forgot to buy stuffing, so I just shoved some Wonder Bread up the turkey’s rear and hoped for the best. I can’t do that because my guests expect more due to the fact that they spend the entire month of November watching professional chefs massage turkeys with olive oil before popping them into the oven.

Frankly, that’s a bit sick, if you ask me.

And no longer can I get a box of instant stuffing mix, slam it into the microwave, cook it and expect all the people sitting at the table to really believe it came out of the turkey. No, thanks to your network I’m expected to make stuffing from actual old bread. And not just any old bread either, it has to be the good stuff like sourdough or baguettes or something Italian or French and unpronounceable. And then I have to add sausage and fruit and all kinds of stuff to it.

What kind of weirdoes are you people? Can’t you just be happy with a box of Stovetop? I am. Or at least I was.

You’ve even messed with the wine. Now there’s a ton of talk about wine that goes with turkey. Or wine that goes with ham. Whatever happened to the days when I could twist the cap off a gallon jug from the local liquor store? Seriously, once you’re past the first glass, you hardly notice the weird aftertaste. OK, fine. It might take two or three glasses. But heck, once you are at that stage, even the burnt turkey tastes good.

You’ve even taken away my favorite pumpkin pie. No longer can I fill a premade piecrust with some pumpkin goop from a can. Oh, no. Now we have to have pumpkin cheesecake. Or fancy pumpkin and gingerbread trifle things that require special bowls to display them in. I didn’t even know gingerbread came in any form other than little men-shaped cookies dressed in frosting bowties.

And we will not speak of what you have done to destroy my favorite green beans drowned in cans of cream of mushroom soup. It’s a travesty. Who eats green beans without mushroom soup and fried onions on top? Please. Just take one moment to consider how horrifying it will be when my guests sit down to a Thanksgiving feast and taste…vegetables. It’s just a recipe for chaos and disappointment.

Not to mention the worst thing of all. You expect me to serve cranberry sauce that does not have a can imprint on it. Really? Really? Have you no shame?

If the dinner preparation isn’t bad enough, now I have to decorate too. It used to be I could have Junior trace a couple of handprints, tape them to the chandelier and call it a day. But not anymore. No, thanks to you, I now have to have cornucopias brimming with fall vegetables and flowers as the centerpiece. I don’t even know what the fall veggies are supposed to be, but I suspect they involve Brussels sprouts, which in my opinion should never be eaten by humans. Or even have a place in their cornucopias.

It’s like you’ve turned Thanksgiving into a time of horror.

And I blame you for this, Food Network. You with your fancy idea that anyone can cook decent food and entertain friends. But in the end, I’ve outsmarted you. This year, Harry is doing the cooking.

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4 Responses to “Dear Food Network, you are ruining my life”

  1. Lizzard Says:

    No matter how hard I try to improve my homemade mashed potatoes; I still prefer the boxed version! I’ll bring the boxed potatoes; you bring the canned cranberries and we’ll call it a grand feast! Deal? DEAL!

  2. Laurie Says:

    @Lizzard, DEAL! I prefer the canned cranberry sauce anyway :)

  3. Liz Says:

    I watch that channel all the time. It is crazy!! I cook. Now when I say I cook it is of course nothing like what they do. Do you see what they cook in 30 minutes. That is just impossible. I have tried. I have the recipe printed. I have dvr’ed the show. I am trying to cook at the same time. First of all what I consider staples in my pantry is not what they consider staples. I have to go out and buy all the crap, I mean spices. Then I do not about you guys but I got married in 1985. My kitchen tools are pretty much that old. I do not have the tools they use. I have to make due with what I have which slows me down.
    My final dish does not look anything like theirs and I am sure it tastes nothing like theirs.

    I have decided I will just watch. I will use the box mixes and everyone will be happy.

  4. Laurie Says:

    @Liz, IKR? 30 minutes or less? I have never made dinner in 30 minutes or less unless it came from the drive thru. And yeah, they don’t just use salt, pepper and garlic either :)

    Have a happy turkey day. I will enjoy watching the husband cook :)

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