The things I think while driving

Posted on January 11th, 2012

Copyright Stuart Miles

Dear Police Officer Who Wondered What the Heck I was Thinking When I Didn’t Turn on a Green Light,

I’m sorry. I realize that my driving was distracted. I know it shouldn’t be. But honestly? I was just so happy to be alone with my thoughts. No kid. No dogs. No husband asking what culinary catastrophe I planned to serve for the evening meal. Just my car and me. And the rest of the people in traffic, of course.

Anyway, just to answer your question, which you oh-so-politely asked once we had gotten the pesky “drivers’ license and registration” stuff out of the way, here is what I was thinking:

Did I pay the HOA fees this month?

Is that woman in the car next to me really putting on her mascara?

Why is my Bluetooth thingy blinking red?

How much gas do I have?

Is there any milk in the fridge or do I need to stop at the store?

Why is my bra itchy?

How much money is in the checking account?

Dang. Did I forget to put my wedding band on again?

When was the last time I had a pedicure?

My pants are too tight.

I’m hungry. Are there any pretzels in the glove box?

Why is it when I’m desperate for a coffee and go to the drive thru in my PJ’s the entire city is there and wants to stop and talk, but today when I’m fully dressed nobody is in the drive thru?

What should I burn for dinner tonight?

Will Junior remember to go to geometry after school for extra help?

Do I go 25 when I actually see the children or just when it’s a school day?

Why are people so squeamish about breastfeeding? It’s not like we all don’t have boobs.

When was the last time I called my mom?

Wait. Was that light green?

So, yes, Mr. Police Officer, those are the thoughts I had. Of course, they were quickly followed by “Oh, shit, what did I do?” And yes, you are right. I shouldn’t drive and think, it probably is bad for me (even though you did phrase it much nicer, I know that’s what you meant). And thanks for giving me a warning.


Manic Motherhood

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