The Mom Olympics

Posted on February 10th, 2010

I’ve dreamt of Olympic glory since I was a kid. In my dreams, I stand on the podium, accept my gold medal proudly and place my hand over my heart while the national anthem plays. Now, in my dream I never actually perform any athletic feats of brilliance to earn the medal. This is probably because I am completely devoid of any athletic prowess in any sport except laundry sorting.

But what if there were a Mom Olympics?

We could have both summer and winter games, same as the other Olympics. As for the winter games, I don’t like snow so we’d have to have our winter games in places that don’t get cold. And the actual competitions? Well, obviously we’d have substitutes for all the sports involving snow and ice rinks. But I’ve come up with one or two ideas for the Mom Olympic games that I think would work.

Snowboarding
The snowboarders in the other Olympics have a reputation for being party animals. Not the snowboarders in the Mom Olympics. We take our Xtreme sports seriously—even if we’re more gardenboard than snowboard.

When the start pistol is fired, a mom rushes from an open door onto a porch and lands on a skateboard. Without falling, the mom has to balance her purse, a small child, her sunglasses and car keys. Then she has to flip past the iris, under a large rose bush, through the lawn, up and over the neighbor’s river rock, jump over the statue of the angel child reading a book, land on the sidewalk, and propel herself down to the end of the cul de sac, where she must land with precision in another neighbor’s Japanese Maple. Extra points are given to contestants that add a large mocha latte to everything else they are juggling. Points are deducted if the small child is lost along the route.

Ice Dancing
This is a beautiful event, usually done by a mom and a specially trained family dog. First, the icemaker in the refrigerator explodes, shooting ice from the in-door dispenser all over the floor. The dog runs in to chase the ice around, followed by a mom dressed elegantly in a ratty old bathrobe and slippers. Music accompanies the dog and mom as they bob and weave on the ice. Required in the routine are several difficult moves, including ripping the dispenser off the refrigerator, slamming into the dishwasher, and grabbing the dog up off the floor without falling. Bonus points are given for grace, style and the ability to invent swear words no one has ever heard before. Points are deducted if the bathrobe falls open, revealing the faded nightshirt beneath.

Downhill Skiing
This race is run in a two-story facility. The contestant stands at the top of the stairs and duct tapes a naked GI Joe doll to one foot and twenty-two Lego pieces to the other foot. When the start buzzer sounds, the mom skis down the stairs, avoiding such obstacles as a Betsy Wetsy doll, several hot wheel cars, the rest of the Lego collection, the dog and a stack of magazines on her way to the bottom. Bonus points are given to any mom who doesn’t fall over the railing.

The Luge
In the Mom Olympics, the luge is quite different—mainly because I have no idea what a luge really is, but I like the sound of the word. In the Mom Olympics luge competition, a child is placed at the top of a really tall, skinny slide. The mother must race up the slide, grab the child at the top and slide to the bottom. Points are deducted if the mom’s butt is too big to fit in the confines of the slide or if she gets stuck on the way down. Once at the bottom, the mother must carry the child over her shoulder and negotiate the pea gravel play yard and make her away across the lawn to the finish line without stepping in dog poop. All of this is done barefoot, of course.

So there you have them, a few of the games for the Mom Olympics. Start practicing, because I think the first games will be held in 2014 in Hawaii. Or maybe Florida. But definitely no place with snow.

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17 Responses to “The Mom Olympics”

  1. Anne Says:

    Good Lord! I am laughing so hard, I can’t stop. Where do I sign up? I could kick some major butt in the Ice Dancing competition. ;)

    Thanks for the much needed laugh.

  2. Liesl Says:

    Appreciate the timely reference, especially as a Vancouverite. As a mom, every day can feel like a competition or a race! It can help to write about it though, and laugh too!

  3. Liesl Says:

    Appreciate the timely reference to the Games, since I’m a Vancouverite. As a mom, every day can feel like a race or a competition! It can help to write about it, as you have, and have some fun with it.

  4. Katherine Says:

    I’ve been visiting your blog for a while now and I always find a gem in your new posts. Thanks for sharing.

  5. Laurie Says:

    Vancouver, eg? I used to live in Surrey. Thanks for reading!

  6. Laurie Says:

    Yes, but the ratty t-shirt is the real key to a gold in ice dancing ;)

  7. Ellis Somji Says:

    hello, You write some very good blogs. I always check back here often to see if you have updated. Has everyone been following the Olympics? I found a funny olympics Blooper video on youtube that shows what happens when an athlete pushes it too hard, check it out, it will make you laugh http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Phw_pGC4kE

  8. barbara Says:

    Now that’s what I call competition! Sounds like perhaps you’ve performed many of these before. Like the exploding refrigerator Ice dancing one?
    I think you’re on to something. Why should moms be left out of the fun?
    Thanks for laughs!

  9. Patience Churches Says:

    I just love this

  10. Sanda Servi Says:

    coool!

  11. Laurie Says:

    Um, yeah. But sadly, my dog is not specially trained. So our ice dancing isn’t Olympic caliber ;)

  12. Mario Pinnetoni Says:

    Hi, Very interesting article you have there. I actually run a couple of blogs on this topic, and since I have found some of your articles very informative I definatelty think that my members would enjoy reading them. With that said I would like to place a link to some of your articles on my blogs since they are more detailed than the information posted on my blogs. Thanks for your help!

  13. Michelle Says:

    TOO FUNNY!!! omg!

  14. Celesta Galford Says:

    This was a nice story you wrote on this website. I wrote some article about snowboard hotspots across Europe. Maybe you like to check my posts.

  15. Julee Bejerano Says:

    We suffer over at ours from loads of traffic but very few commenters apart from our own group. Maybe this will help them? Love the blog.

  16. sonic producer digital music production Says:

    I’m still learning from you, as I’m trying to reach my goals. I definitely liked reading everything that is written on your blog.Keep the posts coming. I liked it!

  17. Georgie Strano Says:

    hi there I am from Germany and in Germany we don’t discuss subjects like this. I am glad I found your blog because now it is not a secret anymore. I will start telling the people in Germany about this!

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