Oh, I’m so on to their evil little ways.
They get together in little groups and hang out outside grocery stores, wearing what smells suspiciously like Scotch Shortbread perfume. They smile with their missing teeth and say in their high-pitched little voices, “would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?” And they stare with such hope in their eyes – praying that you are the one sucker who cannot resist the siren lure of Dulce de Luche and will purchase 25 boxes.
Omigod. I am always that sucker.
Please. Who can resist the allure of those Thin Mints? Not me. Heck, I can’t even resist those stupid Thank You cookies. Thank you is written on the cookie in different languages, including Swahili, people. Swahili. What other cookie teaches you a foreign language? None, unless you are buying your cookies in Denmark or something. And then is it Swahili? I think not.
And this year, oh, this year they are going in for the kill. By the end of the cookie season, I won’t be able to fit through my front door. Because this year they have a new cookie, Savannah Smiles. Apparently, these lemon cookies covered in powdered goo are exceptional – and I say that as a confirmed Thin Mint addict who eats the Peanut Butter Sandwich as a chaser.
Frankly, Savannah Smiles sound a lot like Lemon Coolers, a cookie I ate as a child. I don’t even know if they make them any longer because I haven’t been down the cookie aisle in a grocery store since 2002. (I find the best way to avoid the temptation of the cookie is to avoid the aisle entirely – strangely this does not work with shoes where I always manage to find myself in that department despite my best efforts to avoid it.) Anyway, I loved me some Lemon Coolers as a kid and I’m pretty sure I will love me some Savannah Smiles.
And I’m pretty sure that, like all cookies, Savannah Smiles will love me back. And never, ever want to leave my giant ass, which is where all cookies remain after I eat them.
And those Girl Scouts are banking on that. They have a freaking app, people. An app that shows you where to buy your crack cookies. Really? Really? Do they hate big-butted people that much that they need an app? Good Lord, they are evil in a little green uniform.
And don’t go telling me that the girl Scouts use this as a fundraiser – I know that. And I support them, trust me. Each year a giant truck of Thin Mints and Peanut Butter Sandwiches unloads into my pantry where I eat and eat and eat until frankly I can’t look at another Thin Mint, let alone button up my jeans. I’m probably funding a billion Girl Scout Troops with my habit. Heck, I’ll bet they visit Europe each year on my Peanut Butter Sandwich purchase alone.
But today, today I must be strong. Because cookie season officially lasts from January through April, so those little girls could be hawking their wares any day that I go to the grocery store. And each time I walk by them, I will be reminded of the lesson of the Borg:
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