Apparently, this is the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. I know this because – to the horror of most members of my family – the movie “Titanic” has been rereleased. In 3D. Really. 3D. As if the movie wasn’t bad enough, now it’s in 3D for reasons that are honestly beyond even my imagination. Just a side note: the Muppets belong in 3D. Scary movies belong in 3D. The Titanic movie? It was awful in 2D, how can 3D make it better?
Needless to say, I’m not writing this while I wait in line to see the movie.
Please. I saw it the first time. I can’t remember why, but I believe it involved being nice to my sisters. Yeah. That’s the last time I did that. Anyway, basically, my sisters and I spent 3 of the longest hours of our lives in a darkened theater fighting over which one of us would get the very last kernels of popcorn and whether we had divided the box of Red Vines equally.
In between, we saw a movie. Here’s what I remember about it:
Kate Winslet arrives on screen in the coolest hat ever. Leonardo DiCaprio believes that being on a big ship with a wind machine focused on him makes him the King of the World. Somebody has a nifty necklace that everyone thought sank with the ship, but didn’t. And a very ugly Picasso piece was on board and it did sink, but apparently nobody cared. And with all the rooms available on the ship in which they could have sex comfortably, lovebirds Jack and Rose still chose the backseat of a car.
After that, it’s pretty much a blur until the ship hit the iceberg and Kate and Jack ended up on a door floating in the sea. At that point, we were all out of popcorn and forced to watch Leonardo DiCaprio die as slowly as possible. Now, I have questions about this.
- WTF? She couldn’t share her door? How selfish. I mean, okay, if I recall correctly when Jack was on the door, the door started to sink. But when he was hanging off the edge doing the world’s longest death scene, the door was fine. I don’t know much about physics. Or floating. Or really anything at all. But couldn’t they have balanced it or something?
- And that leads me to this. Rose has a door. Can’t she paddle around and find Jack a barrel or something? Seriously, she just sits on her door and watches him slowly sink into the sea.
- Why the heck does it take him so long to die? I remember this scene as being like 40 minutes. OK, fine. Maybe it was faster. But I had consumed a large soda and needed desperately to pee, so it seemed to me that Jack took half the movie trying to slip off that door into the ocean. I’m not ashamed to admit that I turned to one of my sisters and said, “My God would he just die already?”
- If they are in the ocean with icebergs and Rose is soaking wet, why the heck doesn’t she freaking die of hypothermia? I’ve been in unheated swimming pools in winter in California, people. And my mom always yelled, “get out, you’ll catch your death of cold.” I figure those pools must have been warmer than the ocean with the icebergs, so why was Rose perfectly fine?
Honestly, I could go on about the movie, but the rest really is a blur. And to fully research this post I’d have to watch the movie again. And trust me when I say that isn’t going to happen.
But I can tell you this. I know that the movie has been rereleased because my son is horrified. Apparently, the girl he is dating (whom I am contractually not allowed to call his “girlfriend” in this blog) wants to watch it. With him. And it’s over 3 hours long. So the family tradition of waiting for Jack to slip off his damn door will be passed to a new generation.
I can only hope that for Junior’s sake, he doesn’t drink a large soda before that scene.Add me to your rss reader | Become a Fan on Facebook!