Happy Mother’s Day; bring me my clone

Posted on May 11th, 2012

This is a repeat (oh, noes!). Truly, I wanted to write a new one, but I was very busy this week doing all sorts of Very Important Things like trying to cook cabbage rolls (no fire, but the rolls were a bust), getting my forehead stuffed with Botox (interesting, to say the least) and helping Junior study for finals (and by “helping” I clearly mean standing next to him saying “study!” until he opens a book and reads it). Expect blogs on those Very Important Topics next week.

After careful consideration, I don’t want perfume for Mother’s Day. And I don’t want flowers or brunch or a day at the spa. No, what I want is something most mothers can use. It’s something we all need. It’s something we all want.

I want to be cloned.

Seriously. I believe a cloning machine is the perfect gift for Mother’s Day. Think of the possibilities. I mean, with a little tweaking, a mom could come up with several different versions of herself—and still be able to spend the day at the spa.

See, I wouldn’t want the clones to exactly like me. Heck, if I’m going for a clone, I’d want one or two little improvements. They’d walk like me, talk like me, but be able to conjugate verbs in Spanish. Or whip up a replica of Mission Santa Barbara on two hours notice using dryer lint, a Barbie Dream House and several hundred Lego bricks from the Star Wars collector’s pack. Or perhaps—do I dare to dream—one of my clones could make broccoli taste like cheeseburgers.

Okay, maybe that’s going too far. But I have come up with a list of clones that I think would be useful for any mom.

Sporty Clone

This clone would be responsible for all sporting events. She will know how to play any sport a child decides to try. She will understand the best way to kick a soccer ball or dribble a basketball and she will know why the heck football players say “hike.” She will comprehend offside rules and will even be able to explain them to other, un-cloned moms. Most importantly, Sporty Clone will never, ever forget when it is her turn to bring snacks.

Car-pool Clone

Car-pool clone can drive children anywhere at any time. She can do this despite the fact that her vehicle is filled to the brim with loud nine-year old boys having a gas-passing contest in the back. Car-pool clone is so perfect that she doesn’t pass out or gag from the after effects. She has built-in sensors to indicate when a seatbelt isn’t connected. She is also fully equipped with a GPS device allowing her to drive to any destination without getting lost. Her eyes will have superior visual capabilities, enabling her to read the tiniest of street signs with ease.

This clone would also come in a field trip version and could be teamed with sporty clone to drive several children to multiple sporting events on the same day.

Gets Up in The Middle of the Night Clone

This clone is instantly awake and alert for 2 AM feedings, midnight tummy aches and 4 AM sleepwalkers. Since she needs no sleep, this clone can enable a mom to sleep through the night and actually be awake through the day without needing a caffeine IV.

Laundry clone

This clone comes with several extra arms that enable her to walk through the average home and gather laundry from several different sources, like the laundry basket, the backyard and, of course, your teenager’s floor, without dropping a single pair of dirty underwear.

Lie Detector Clone

Look, I realize that there are some children so perfect that even the thought of lying has never crossed their minds. But in the real world, where most moms live, we need a lie detector clone. Because there are some kids so good at spinning the truth that you just know their future lies in Washington D.C. In the meantime, this clone will enable us ordinary moms to immediately tell when our precious darlings are lying through their orthodontically-enhanced teeth.

Super-Intelligent Clone.

This clone instantly comprehends long division, understands how to diagram a sentence and can explain to a child why lava is hot, the sun is yellow and the sky is blue. And she is right every single time.

I’m sure there are more clones I could use—like maybe a bathroom cleaner clone or a clone that can convince Junior that showering isn’t an optional activity. In the meantime, I guess I’ll have to muddle through offside rules and long division by myself. But I can still dream of a future—where real moms have clones.

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